Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

An Open Letter To Simon & Schuster

Dear Simon & Schuster:

First of all, am I talking to Simon or Schuster? If I am talking to Simon, then congratulations on your daughter Carly’s success. If I am talking to Schuster, please let me talk to Simon. I don’t deal with Schuster; I’m a Simon Man.

Second: it has come to my attention that you recently had a slot open up in your release schedule. Previously, you had planned to release Milo Yacropolis’ book entitled Dangerous, but his recent advocacy of pedophilia has caused to to back off from this association and cancel his book.

Here’s what TotD can offer you, Simon (& Schuster): you pay me the same $250,000 you were paying Milo, and I’ll give you a book full of the exact same content as he would have provided, but WITHOUT the boyfucking.

What will you get? Racial realism. Does that sound like an oddly-worded phrase designed to cover up the truth rather than reveal it? IT TOTALLY IS, SIMON! Good call. You’re so much smarter than that asshole Schuster. But, yeah: I will write a book that will be racist as shit for you, much like everything I’ve written or said in the past several years, all of which is easily searchable on the internet.

Not just racism, though! You’ll also get religious bigotry, mostly focused on the Muslims but also about the Jews. (The Muslim stuff will be explicit, but the Jewish stuff will be all acceptable terms and head-fakes, perfectly deniable, and also–just like Milo claims to be–I am Jewish. So, you will have just as many jokes about ovens and camps as you would have received from Milo’s book.)

I will torture analogies (and stump for torture of human beings), and I will cherry-pick data (or just make it up), and I will denote several demographic groups that aren’t quite people. Can you guess which groups they are? I’ll give you a hint for one: they have vaginas.

Oh, God, the things I’m going to say about Lena Dunham…

BUT–and here’s the thing–I will not advocate boyfucking. Like, at all. I will (obviously) insinuate that all gay men are pedophiles, but once again I will not advocate boyfucking.

Because, Mr. Simon, that’s apparently the only problem with Milo. You liked the other stuff, but not the boyfucking, and so I offer you my pederasty-free services. I will dye my hair if the deal depends on it.

Thoughts on the Dead

ps Serious, Schuster: you’ll never be half the man Simon is.


  1. okay but you’re gonna have to do a seriously Kreutzmann level ALL THE COCAINE binge to get your fashion sense into Milo’s ballpark

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