Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

An Open Letter To South Korea


Dear South Korea,

Hi, South Korea. How are you? I’m fine. Sorry you have to live beneath a lunatic with nuclear weapons. Americans are blessed in that they live beneath Canadians, who are lovely neighbors with no nukes. (Although if they did have nukes, they could totally be trusted with them. Just unlike your situation in every possible way.)

Let me state my qualifications to give advice about high-level assassinations up front, South Korea: I have none whatsoever. If assassination were a game played in gym class, then I would be picked last. I have no military or espionage training; I am averse to guns and violence; I can’t even follow the plot of most spy movies.

Yet I feel confident in saying that this is not the way to assassinate someone. I have seen many James Bond films in which 007 takes out a political leader, and not once did he tweet about it beforehand. You have, South Korea, lost the element of surprise. In case you missed it: it was when you told him what you were going to do. What is your next step? Will you text when you’re in the neighborhood? Send ninjas in tap shoes?

Perhaps this is what’s known as psyops, South Korea? A bluff meant to elicit reaction, but what is the desired result? Further nuttiness from the Korean Donald Trump, Jr.? You’re poking the sun bear, South Korea.

(Plus: South Korea doesn’t want North Korea back, kinda. In principle they do, but when Only Korea collapses sometime in the nearish future, the South will have to absorb 26 million starving, semi-educated peasants. It’s going to cost trillions of dollars.)

In conclusion: stop assassinating people wrong, South Korea. Also, thank you for your dumplings, which are called mandoo.



  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    September 25, 2016 at 1:15 pm

    KJU – his cheeks are wider than his haircut.

  2. The past was horrible, as has been stated here. But perhaps some corners of the world have a present that is … dare I say it, worse than the past.

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