Dear Men Who Are Not Matt Damon, But Might As Well Be:
Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up as hard as you can. I know that your great big famous brains are full of opinions on this #METOO thing, but you must–for the love of God–shut the fuck up. There are two groups of notable men right now: those waiting for the story to drop, and those who haven’t been pussygrabbing their entire lives. Both categories of men need to shut the fuck up.
If you’re thinking about invoking your female relatives, shut the fuck up. If you’d like to place this historic moment in proper context, shut the fuck up. And for fuck’s sake, if the phrase “witch hunt” is marching with undeserved confidence out of your mouth, triple-dog shut the fuck up.
No one needs your take on this, Matthew McConaughey. Pipe down, Jeremy Renner. Do not help, Michael Bublé. And if you think I’m not talking to you, John Mayer, then you’ve got another think coming, mister. I know it’s been said, many times, many ways: stay out of this, John Mayer.