Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

An Origin Story

STARDATE: 5011.23

LOCATION: A backyard on Felicidae V, Suburb-World of the Felis Empire.

“I’m just saying that it’s only been four blarnoks since they rebooted it the last time.”

“But that one sucked! This one’ll be better.”

“Oh, it’s gonna be the same thing. He gets bitten by a radioactive plarf and becomes Plarf-Man–”

“With the proportional speed and strength of a plarf.”

“–and then his Mingle Ben gets eaten by a romfle and he’s a super-hero. Same story every time.”


“Dude, a spaceship just landed in your pool.”

“I saw.”

“Just saying.”

“Yeah, okay, but I’m standing right here. Obviously I saw the spaceship land in my pool. It was like you were narrating the action.”

“Can we just go check out the alien ship?”

“I got all nine eyes on you.”


“V’ger? Holy shit, dude: this is from the humans!”

“The monkeys on teevee?”


“They’re morons. They don’t even know we’re monitoring them. They live in huts and die when it gets too cold.”

“Right, but they used to be more advanced. I thought you liked the show.”

“Dude, Humping, Hitting Humans is my jam. You know that.”

“All they do is hump and hit each other.”

“That’s why I like it. Life is complicated; I like my teevee to be stupid.”

“Okay, so you should know their history. Didn’t you even look up Earth on Space-Wikipedia?”

“Why would we call it that?”

“Stop changing the subject. Humans had rockets and computers and medicine a long time ago. They must have sent this doohickey up while they could.”

“Wow. What happened to their society?”

“No one knows. Something or someone started an inexorable decline towards savagery and backwards progress.”

“Huh. What’s that round thing?”

“Looks like a record.”

“What a lucky coincidence that our society, too, uses LP technology.”

“One-in-a-million shot.”

“I’m glad they sent vinyl. Such a warmer, more authentic sound.”


“Dude, if you’re not listening to an alien civilization on vinyl, then you don’t know what it really sounds like.”

“Just play the thing.”

“My Space Modulator is out of power.

“Should’ve bought the Imodium Q36.”

“All my other stuff is from Weyland-Yutani. I’m locked in.”


Deep down in Louisiana close to New Orleans
Way back up in the woods among the evergreens
There stood a log cabin made of earth and wood
Where lived a country boy named Johnny B. Goode
Who never ever learned to read or write so well
But he could play the guitar just like a ringing a bell

Go, go
Go Johnny go, go
Go Johnny go, go
Go Johnny go, go
Go Johnny go, go
Johnny B. Goode

He used to carry his guitar in a gunny sack
Go sit beneath the tree by the railroad track
Oh, the engineers would see him sitting in the shade
Strumming with the rhythm that the drivers made
People passing by they would stop and say
Oh my that little country boy could play

Go, go
Go Johnny go, go
Go Johnny go, go
Go Johnny go, go
Go Johnny go, go
Johnny B. Goode

His mother told him “Someday you will be a man
And you will be the leader of a big old band
Many people coming from miles around
To hear you play your music when the sun go down
Maybe someday your name will be in lights
Saying ‘Johnny B. Goode Tonight'”

Go, go
Go Johnny go
Go go go, Johnny go
Oh go go, Johnny go
Oh go go, Johnny go
Go, Johnny B. Goode.


  1. Luther Von Baconson

    March 19, 2017 at 12:09 am

    Paris, France

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