Hey, Pope Francis. You got a dog.

“Si, si. Is-a da saint for-a da Pope.”

It’s a St. Bernard. I see what you did.

“I make-a da joke. Is-a da good dog. No jump on-a da cassock. Some-a dogs? They get-a da mud all over. Is-a no good if you wear-a white.”

All-white is a risky look, Your Holiness.

“Secret is-a da laundry stick. You rub a little, mess is-a all gone. I go through a dozen a week.”

Have you ever had a dog?

“No, no. Priests no have-a da dogs. Churches have-a cats, but priests no have-a da dogs. Can’t have-a no wife, can’t have-a no dog. Just-a da Jesus.”

Can’t play fetch with Jesus, though.

“No, no. Jesus, he don’t-a fetch. He take-a da walk with you, but he don’t-a fetch.”

Belly rubs?

“Don’t-a be rubbin’ on-a da Jesus belly.”

Is that blasphemy?

“If it ain’t, I don’t-a know what is.”


“You know-a da blasphemy when you see-a da blasphemy.”

Makes sense. You said that churches have cats. Did any of the churches you live in have cats?

“Oh, si, si. There was-a Jesus. She was-a da feisty cat. And-a Jesus. He’s-a da cuddlebug, Jesus. And-a Jesus. He run away.”

Were all your cats named Jesus?


You love Jesus.

“He’s-a numero uno with me.”

Your Holiness, can pets go to heaven?

“If-a they good, si. If-a they bad, no. And-a they gotta be normal. Iguanas no go to heaven. No-a snakes, neither. Just-a da dogs and-a da cats. Maybe real expensive fish.”


“I no like-a da birds.”

Me, either, Pope Francis. But they’re real smart and they get real attached to people.

“Birds are-a da maybe. We see on-a da case by case basis.”

Seems fair. What about sea monkeys?

“No. Is-a just brine shrimp.”