Hey, Pope Francis. You got a dog.
“Si, si. Is-a da saint for-a da Pope.”
It’s a St. Bernard. I see what you did.
“I make-a da joke. Is-a da good dog. No jump on-a da cassock. Some-a dogs? They get-a da mud all over. Is-a no good if you wear-a white.”
All-white is a risky look, Your Holiness.
“Secret is-a da laundry stick. You rub a little, mess is-a all gone. I go through a dozen a week.”
Have you ever had a dog?
“No, no. Priests no have-a da dogs. Churches have-a cats, but priests no have-a da dogs. Can’t have-a no wife, can’t have-a no dog. Just-a da Jesus.”
Can’t play fetch with Jesus, though.
“No, no. Jesus, he don’t-a fetch. He take-a da walk with you, but he don’t-a fetch.”
“Don’t-a be rubbin’ on-a da Jesus belly.”
Is that blasphemy?
“If it ain’t, I don’t-a know what is.”
“You know-a da blasphemy when you see-a da blasphemy.”
Makes sense. You said that churches have cats. Did any of the churches you live in have cats?
“Oh, si, si. There was-a Jesus. She was-a da feisty cat. And-a Jesus. He’s-a da cuddlebug, Jesus. And-a Jesus. He run away.”
Were all your cats named Jesus?
You love Jesus.
“He’s-a numero uno with me.”
Your Holiness, can pets go to heaven?
“If-a they good, si. If-a they bad, no. And-a they gotta be normal. Iguanas no go to heaven. No-a snakes, neither. Just-a da dogs and-a da cats. Maybe real expensive fish.”
“I no like-a da birds.”
Me, either, Pope Francis. But they’re real smart and they get real attached to people.
“Birds are-a da maybe. We see on-a da case by case basis.”
Seems fair. What about sea monkeys?
“No. Is-a just brine shrimp.”