Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Animals It Is Moral To Shoot

Lionfish. Here, look:

TotD supports bringing Gatling guns underwater and massacring lionfish like it was the last scene of The Wild Bunch. Everything that Trump supporters say about illegal immigrants is actually true about lionfish: they’re invading our neighborhoods, they’re not supposed to be here, they’re taking our fishes’ jobs, they’re drug dealers and rapists. (Some, I assume, are good fish.) Lionfish are covered in poisonous knives, breed like wet rats, and have no natural predators.

They are, however, supposedly rather tasty; execute them, bread them, and bring them to me with cocktail sauce and a swee’tea.

Polar bears Maybe Global Warming isn’t killing the bears, maybe the bears’ dying is causing Global Warming? Ever think of that, Al Gore?

Black bear He looked like he had a gun; you know how unpredictable those black bears can be.

Burmese python This is like the lionfish one: I do not support a cull of Burmese pythons in Burma. (Although now that I think of it: shouldn’t they be called Myanmarese pythons?) In Florida, though, where idiot snake-owners (redundant) released their “pets” to propagate throughout the Everglades, eating everything they see? Hand me my boomstick.

Hyena on PCP Kill on sight.

Mosquito Although you shouldn’t shoot them with a gun. Unless you’re Annie Oakley, you’re going to miss because mosquitos are very small. Mosquitos must be murdered, though: wait until they’re halfway through feeding off you, then flex that muscle and lock them to you, and then slap them. So much blood! (But you might have Zika, though. I change my mind: shoot mosquitos with shotguns.)

The spell-check is telling me that the plural of mosquito is mosquitoes, with an “e,” but my spell-check is an idiot.

Koala Wanna get famous reeeeeal quick? Shoot a koala; make sure someone films it.

Werewolfs You can absolutely shoot werewolfs, but be warned: first of all, you need a silver bullet; second, when werewolfs are killed, they transform back into their human forms. This means when the cops show up, you’re going to be standing over a naked guy with a literally-smoking gun in your hand, and they will almost certainly not believe your story.

The spell-check is telling me that the plural of werewolf is werewolves, but my spell-check is an idiot.

Babadook I don’t know if shooting a babadook will kill it, but you should try anyway.

Komodo dragon Try to run first, okay? At least make a show of running, but then kill the monster. Or, you know: just don’t go to the one island they live on and nothing has to die. But, like, if you’re on Monster Island by accident and a dragon wants to get froggy? Put two in its temple. And then two more. And then keep shooting until it doesn’t have a head anymore, because it is literally a dragon.


  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    September 24, 2016 at 10:40 am

    I like the vacuum method myself – suck them puppies right up and get ’em outta the watah!

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