Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Another Completely Anticipated Late-Night Phone Call To Maggie Haberman


“I had to expect a call tonight, in all honesty. Yello?

“Maggie. It’s Tyrannosaurus Rex here.”

“Secretary Tillerson. Wait, is Secretary like President or Judge? Do you get called that forever?”

“Hell, call me Tilly. I don’t give a fuck.”

“That much has been proven true.”

“I feel like a weight’s been lifted off me. An enormous, sloppy, dimwitted, orange weight. And the rest of ’em ain’t no prizes. Kelly’s got a stick so far up his ass he gets splinters in his nostrils. McMasters is a giant pervert. Real into armpits”


“He loves ’em. Rips pictures outta magazines and tapes ’em up on the wall. Always talking about ’em. First time he said to me, ‘Rex, you see the pits on her?’ I thought he said tits.”

“Also inappropriate.”

“But more normal. Whole damn White House is full of weirdos. Mattis wears a cilice.”

“A what?”

“A cilice. It’s a band with spikes on the inside; you wear it on your thigh.”


“Mortification of the flesh. Mad Dog has some very interesting views on sin. You got any idea what the fuck he’s doing in the Middle East?”

“Fighting ISIS?”

“BZZZ. The correct answer is ‘Whatever the fuck he wants to do.’ You think the fucking moron has any clue what’s happening over there? He doesn’t even know where over there is. He thinks the capital of Afghanistan is Chachi. I tried to brief him on Libya once. He made it five minutes and started talking about McNuggets.”

“What about them?”

“‘I like the circle McNuggets. Some people say the one with the little handle, but circle shape is a very beautiful shape.’ You know how he fucking talks.”


“Then he gets the whole room to start arguing about which is best dipping sauce. Jared and Ivanka are for sweet-and-sour, Steven Miller’s for barbecue, and Kelly’s a honey mustard man. Everybody’s yelling at each other about fucking flavored corn syrup, and he’s sitting there with that sticky smile of his. The one where he doesn’t show his teeth?”

“I know that one.”

“That was every meeting. Well, every meeting where he didn’t call Janine Pirro in the middle of it so we could listen to her views on Islam.”


“Not a fan.”

“I’m aware.”

“It’s complete fucking chaos 24/7. Actually, more like 3/5. Sloppy might be the laziest sumbitch I ever met. You know he doesn’t even chew any more? He had Hope Hicks do it for him. Spit it up into his mouth like a baby bird. And this is in front of a room full of people. McMasters would get hard watching.”

“Jesus, why?”

“I told you: he’s a pervert.”

“Mr. Tillerson–”

“Sexy Rexy.”

“–did you accomplish anything in your year at State?”

“Redecorated my office.”

“Anything else?”

“Hey, you try getting shit done with a mental defective in charge. Man’s dumber than a bucketful of dicks. You should thank me that things ain’t worse right now.”

“I’m not thanking you.”

“Don’t give a fuck.”

“Had to hurt getting fired by tweet, though.”

“Couldn’t say I didn’t see it coming. I been searching my name on Twitter for months waiting. Can’t be surprised when a shitbird shits on you.”


“Besides, I got an appointment tomorrow. Gonna work off all the stress from this week.”

“Gym? Massage?”

“Robert Mueller.”

“Much better.”

“You alone over there? I got a sixer.”

“Good night, Tilly.”

“Happy trails, Maggie.”

1 Comment

  1. “Can’t be surprised when a shitbird shits on you.”


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