Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Another Late Night Call From The Mooch

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Wha? Yeah?”

SHA NA NA INTRO MUSIC NOISE

“Haberman, you minx.”

“Shit.”

“You up? I could come over there.”

“No, thank you.”

“Give you the Mooch Smooch.”

“Absolutely not.”

“The Mooch eats ass. Just so you know what’s on the menu.”

“Mr. Scaramucci–”

“Mooch!”

“–it’s three o’clock in the morning.”

“Fuck that shit. It’s cocaine o’clock. Listen, you got a sec? I wanna talk some shit about this Kelly prick.”

“Go right ahead.”

“Right off the bat: I’m gonna stick my cock in him. First metaphorically, and then literally. I’m gonna add insult to injury. Hold him down on the Resolute Desk and I’m gonna shoot my greasy load on his medals. Mister big-shot general. President Trump’s impressed by generals, but I ran a hedge fund. I could’ve been a general. Running a hedge fund is just like being a general.”

“It’s not at all.”

“I fucked Kellyanne Conway last night.”

“Really?”

“Map room. I gave it to Conway this way; I gave it to Conway that way; I gave it to Conway with a wiffleball bat.”

“Really?”

“Nah, I’m fuckin’ with ya. I fucked her, but not with the wiffleball bat. I was quoting the Beasties. You like the Beasties? You go to concerts? We should go to a show.”

“Get back to Kellyanne Conway.”

“Haberman, I gotta tell ya: my dick did not know that woman had four kids.”

“Jesus.”

“Like a glove. Not even a winter glove: a surgical glove. I think she’s doing Kegel’s exercises when she goes on CNN or something. Oofah, I could barely get in there. Used President Trump’s bronzer for lube.”

“Are you sure you want to be telling me this?”

“Here’s the plan for Mooch: I’m gonna snake Titty-face away from Kush.”

“Good plan.”

“Gonna make Trump my daddy.”

“You already kinda have.”

“But it’s not official. I must put a male child in Blondey.”

“Didn’t you just have a child two days ago?”

“Yeah, I sent a text.”

“I heard.”

“Haberman, you’re not seeing this from my perspective. That baby can’t do anything for me. This one I’m gonna stick in President Trump’s daughter can.”

“Wow.”

“Seriously, though, hot nips. Whatchoo doing right now?”

“Hanging up and going to sleep.”

“C’mon, give the Mooch some cooch.”

“Holy shit, no.”

“Fine. Just talk me off.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

2 Comments

  1. Drinkthewater

    July 31, 2017 at 5:34 pm

    Farewell Mooch, we hardly knew you.

  2. I miss him already. Now he’ll just get further confused in my brain with the mcconaghey character in wolf of Wall Street.

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