“…and that’s why Ah’m not gettin’ inta that with you, Glenn. President Trump is not firing Attorney General Sessions at the moment.”

“I’m sorry, Sarah. To clarify: the president currently has no plans to fire AG Sessions?”

“No. President Trump is not actively at this instant engaged in the firing of the AG. Five minutes from now is gonna have t’ answer for isself.”



“Um, they didn’t tell me that you’d be–”

“How you doin’, Huckleberry.”


“The Mooch is takin’ over! You hop off the stick and lemme get my face time. Big Guy’s watching. Hey, Big Guy! Okay, who we got here? Haberman you’re lookin’ good, sweetie. Very nice. I’m a married man, but I cheat on my wife. Mooch wants that cooch.”

“Excuse me? How dare–”

“Acosta! Hey, baby! You wanna come up here and get a selfie with the Mooch? C’mere, you vain bastard. Get up here. C’mon, selfie with the Mooch.”

“I think that would be inappropriate, Mr. Scaramucci.”

“Fuck it, I’m comin’ to you.”


“Tweet that shit out, A-Train. You’re gonna break the internet. Okay, we made nice, we’re all friends now. Listen up, youse are all gonna have to adjust your attitudes. Mooch ain’t Spicer. Oh, yeah: Spicer got fired. He’s gonna tell ya he quit, but he’s just a lump of cottage cheese in a suit. I hope he makes some money with his little book he’s gonna write. Who wants to guess how much I’m worth? Jim, guess how much I’m worth.”

“I’d rather not.”

“C’mon, guess.”


“Tell ya what: you guess my net worth within a hundred dollars without going over, and I’ll buy you a BMW.”

“This is not normal.”

“Jim, you like strip clubs? You guess how much I’m worth and I’ll buy you a strip club.”

“Can we please get back to reality?”

“That bus left the station months ago, buddy. Okay, enough about me. You all know the Mooch. Now lemme talk about Donald Trump. Marone! I love that man. To me, he’s better than George Washington. Much hotter wife, for one thing. He’s got such love for America, and so do I. Donald Trump would fight a friggin’ bear for America. Not one of those friendly show-biz bears, either. He would wrestle a friggin’ bear for you. That’s the Donald Trump I know. Haberman, you little mynx, I didn’t forget about youse.”

“Oh, wonderful.”

“Ask me a question.”

“Mr. Scaramucci.”

“Call me Mooch.”

“Under no circumstances. Mr. Scaramucci, you’re a successful businessman with complex financial holdings. Have you fully divested from your portfolio?”


“That’s it? ‘Nah?'”

“Yeah, nah. I had a talk with the Big Guy and he said it was fine if I kept my business.”

“It’s not fine.”

“He said.”

“That’s not the way it works.”

“Kinda seems to be now, doesn’t it?”


“Okay, pussies, I’m hitting the gym. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya. Mooch out!”