Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Are You Ready For Some Bullshit?

From The Desk Of Roger Goodell

Re: Donald Trump’s claims

As the commissioner of the NFL, which has seen no concussions in almost six months, I feel it incumbent upon myself to dispel untruths propagated by the Republican candidate for president, Donald Trump.

No letter, e-mail, phone call, text, Twitter DM, or verbal communication between anyone working for or associated with the NFL and Mr. Trump was sent. While we believe that holding the presidential debates on a night without football games scheduled would be to everyone’s benefit, we would never send letter to Mr. Trump “complaining” about this fact.

We challenge Mr. Trump to produce this letter he mentioned, or retract his statement in full. As to his other football-related assertions, I will address them point by point.

  • Despite what Mr. Trump tweeted out (and putting aside how terrifying it is to be debating a presidential candidate’s late-night Twitterstorms), he is not the best tight end in NFL history. That is probably Tony Gonzalez.
  • Speaking of which, Mr. Trump’s insinuation that Tony Gonzalez is here illegally is offensive and perhaps actionable.
  • There is no way that Mr. Trump knows the precise definition of a catch. We don’t, so how can he?
  • No one in the NFL has “begged like dogs” for Mr. Trump to purchase the New York Jets. In fact, quite the opposite: he was blackballed by the owners. I’d like to rephrase that in case the meaning behind what I said didn’t sink in: NFL team owners thought he wasn’t up to their moral or social standard.

The NFL demands an immediate retraction and apology, or that Mr. Trump continue making us look good, as he is literally the only thing to do so in the past few years.


Roger Goodell, the Luckiest White Man on the Planet


  1. i am at shoreline. super short first set. crowd is so old. is mrs donna jean going to be here? everyone is old.

  2. “the best tight end in NFL history. That is probably Tony Gonzalez.”

    Come on…Kellen Winslow by a mile (and I’m a Cal alum). See the Epic in Miami

    P.S. I’m old…

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