Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Author: Thoughts On The Dead (page 1 of 725)

Hard Box

What do you like better? Smoking or–

“Smoking.”

You didn’t hear the options.

“It doesn’t matter, man. Can’t beat cigarettes.”

When did you start?

“Six?”

What? That’s absurd.

“I was six in 1948, man. It was a different time. Kids could smoke. Shit, you got drafted at age ten back then.”

No, you didn’t.

“Most of the Korean War was fought with pre-teens, man.”

Not true.

“I looked older than my age back then, though.”

Yeah?

“Yeah. I think it was the beard.”

Might have been. Garcia?

“Yeah?”

You’re sitting on a box marked “fragile.”

“I was feeling kind of fragile today, man.”

Aw.

She’s Safe, Everyone

Are you okay, Mrs. Donna Jean?

“I’m better’n okay, sugar. Momma got her load on.”

Wonderful. Glad you got away from Harvey.

“Harvey. Yeah. Okay. Sugar, I got a l’il secret for you.”

What?

“Harvey wasn’t so special. They was all like that. Every. Single. One.”

Oh.

“‘Oh?’ That’s all you got?”

Your hair looks nice.

“Bless your heart.”

OR

The trunk. Jesus, the trunk. There is neither floor nor ceiling to the Bush League that the Grateful Dead occupied.

Another Round Of Found Poetry From The Spam Folder

There is no need to spend lots of money on curtain rods

Who are these amazing personal trainers that work with movie stars,
professional athletes,
musicians,
and the rest of the rich
and famous?
These kinds of people are just destroying themselves as well as the society

Even in your weak state you are able to continue using juicy verbs and nouns
They’re the heart and soul of the story
Work at making your diet delicious

A Partial Transcript Of President Trump’s Press Conference, 10/16/17

“Great, yes, okay, okay. Me and Mitch, who is one of my great Senators, just had the most beautiful lunch, a really great lunch. We did Monte Cristo sandwiches. A lot of people have forgotten about the Monte Cristo, but it’s just the best sandwich. The people who know about sandwiches give it an A plus. That’s an A plus sandwich. We are great friends having great sandwiches together. Working for America, me and Mitch.

“Tax reform is next week. Ten days, maybe. Next week. We have the votes already. The votes are good, really good votes. We have them. So, next week and we almost know what the plan is. We could do it today! But, we’ll do it next week. It’s really gonna be great.

“Mitch, you got anything to add?”

“I do not.”

“Wonderful, good, great. We are doing such beautiful things for America. We’re getting the wall. I will also be building a wall around any NFL stadium where the players kneel. Jeff Sessions says I can do that. Jeff? Where’s Jeff? Get Jeff out here. Jeff?”

RACIST GIGGLING NOISE

“I hear him. Jeff? Jeff? Okay, great, whatever, Jeff. Tax reform is the big thing now. The United States is the highest-taxed nation in the history of earth. Ever! Romans, Greeks, whatever. All time! The tax rate is around 80%, somewhere around there. Someone told me it was 80%. Someone told me Obama raised it to 80%. I tell you: Obama spent all his time in office raising taxes and kneeling during the National Anthem. Rude blacks. That’s what it is. How can we make America great again when our blacks are so rude?

“We need to do something about the taxes, but the Democrats are obstructionists. Many are rude blacks.

“Okay, questions? John?”

“Mr. President, can you give us some specifics on the tax reform bill?”

“It’s great. When you see this bill, you are gonna be so happy because it’s gonna be so beautiful. People are already coming up to me and complimenting me on the bill. We’re getting the taxes down. Tax reduction is gonna be so easy you won’t believe it.”

“Tax reduction or tax reform, sir?”

“Yes.”

“They’re two separate concepts, sir.”

“Hillary Clinton was bribed by the Russians. Did everyone see this on Fox this morning? Very high-rated show, and you can understand why when you watch CNN, which is failing and no one watches. Hillary Clinton met Russians in a pizza place and they gave her a bag full of cash. Maybe they killed some people for her? Some people call her Killary. Mitch, you wanna jump in here?”

“I do not.”

“Great, okay. Next question. April?”

“Mr. President, earlier today you criticized drug companies and also insurance companies, saying that drug companies were charging prices that are too high”

“Way too high. Obamacare was the worst deal since the Iran deal. It is destroying lives. All it was was a giveaway to the insurance companies. These insurance companies, they come into Washington–I call Washington the swamp, it’s a great nickname–they come in to the swamp and spend tons of money. Buying congress up. They give Mitch a ton of money. Right, Mitch?”

TURTLE-MAN STARING INTO THE ABYSS NOISE

“Ton of money. Mitch makes out like a bandit, he’s a real killer. You have never seen such a close relationship as me and Mitch, despite what NBC says. I’m thinking about making NBC illegal. Where’s NBC? NBC?”

“Here, sir.”

“You’re illegal.”

“What the hell are you talk–”

“NBC is illegal. You all heard me. Obama failed to punish the fake news because he was a race-baiter, so I had to do it. Wait. What time is it? Mitch, what time is it?”

“It’s eleven a.m., sir.”

“I gotta make a call. Gimme a minute. Everybody talk about me.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Hello, is this the dead soldier’s wife? I’m Donald Trump, the president. I beat Hillary Clinton, so I’m the president. Hello?”

“Okay, great, yes. Very sad. Sad. But, you know: that’s what soldiers do. Die.”

“Ma’am, there were two sides to that firefight. I’m sure there were many fine people on both sides.”

“Stop crying, you’re ridiculous. Listen, I’m gonna send you a set of tires. Isn’t that nice of me? Brand-new, on me.”

DIAL TONE NOISE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE

“Somebody get her address. Okay, next question. Carl?”

“Mr. President, do you think you handled that in the best possible way? She’s a gold-star widow, sir.”

“Gold star? I don’t care if she did well at her piano lessons.”

“No, sir. Not the little stickers you give to children. It’s an expression for families that have lost a member in military service.”

“Who do you work for?”

“CBS.”

“CBS is now illegal.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“I spoke to that widow better than any president has ever spoken to a widow. Most presidents would not call widows. In fact, I am the first president to ever call a widow. Obama used to send the widows form letters and then send the Secret Service to slap them around. Many people have told me that. When General Kelly’s son was killed in action, Obama went to General Kelly’s house and keyed his car. Where’s General Kelly? General, what’s the name of your dead kid? General? Where’s my general?”

TALL MAN TAMPING DOWN HIS RAGE NOISE

“General? I love the general, best general. General? Dead kid? He’s around here somewhere. Was there a mass shooting this week? Are we doing the moment of silence? No? Okay, great. Mitch, you wanna say anything?”

“I do not.”

“Great, the best. Okay, God bless whatever.”

One Of These Men Is Dead, And Yet We Are Informed That There Is A God

Psst. Hey. Garcia. Psst.

“Don’t psst at me, man.”

You gotta do me a favor.

“I really don’t.”

Please do me a favor?

“What, man?”

Keep that chick away from Harvey.

“I was planning on it. You see this look she’s giving me?”

That’s the look.

“That’s the look of love.”

Wasn’t that fun?

“Eh.”

OR

Garcia wore the fuck out of that turtleneck in late ’73.

Rock And Troll

Rock Scully’s face brought to you by Cocaine©. Cocaine©: Bringing People Who Hate Each Other Together To Rant About Bullshit!

OR

The guy who’s not a rapist or a dead Garcia-enabler is Corky Burger, who was Harvey’s partner in Buffalo. Ten seconds of research suggests that Harvey did to Corky what he did to so many others.

OR

For a second, I thought Rock was wearing a shirt with his own face on it.

Boom

I just broke the internet.

Harvey Weinstein Meets The Godchauxes

If I have taught you but one thing, let it be this: There is always a Dead connection.

OR

Harvey got fat, but he was always ugly. Fucker looks like Chuck Wepner having an allergic reaction to shellfish.

OR

Holy shit, Keith can smile.

OR

“Keith, darlin’, you gonna stand in between me an’ that Jewish fella, all right now?”

“Okay. Why?”

“Hush up an’ do what momma says.”

“Okay.”

OR

From the Sabres sign behind them, we can assume that this is War Memorial Stadium in Buffalo; this is either ’73 or ’77. I’m going with ’73. What do you think?

I Spy With My Little Eye…

  • Classic iPod. (Behind Mrs. Donna Jean.)
  • Amazon Echo. (In between Mrs. Donna Jean and Garcia.)
  • Two iPads. (To the left of Billy and Mickey.)
  • Phil’s booty. (Behind Phil.)
  • Precarious Lee’s handiwork. (Bottom left.)

Precarious?

“Yo.”

Is that a humidor?

“On top of the monitor?”

Yes.

“Nope. Ashes.”

Human ashes?

“Yup.”

Whose?

“Don’t worry about it.”

Is that secure? That angle is rather…

“Precarious?”

Exactly.

“It’ll be fine.”

Will it?

“Should be.”

Your words don’t fill me with confidence.

“I duct taped it.”

Oh, well, then it’s fine.

“I know.”

I was being sarcastic.

“I know. Don’t care.”

I Called My Senator, And He Said “Whoa!”

Mississippi GOP Sen. Thad Cochran insists that he is not retiring from Congress, despite widespread speculation about the veteran lawmaker’s health and political future.

The 79-year-old Cochran appeared frail and at times disoriented during a brief hallway interview on Wednesday. He was unable to answer whether he would remain chairman of the Appropriations Committee, and at one point, needed a staffer to remind him where the Senate chamber is located.

“Don’t believe everything you hear,” Cochran said in a low voice when asked whether he planned to retire after 44 years in office.

However, when queried over whether he would stay on as Appropriations chairman, Cochran seemed confused and just repeated the question. “As chairman of the Appropriations Committee?” Cochran asked.

Cochran had to be guided around a security checkpoint inside the Capitol by staffers. He began to walk into a first-floor room — the Senate chamber is on the second floor — and was retrieved by an aide. He was then taken up to the Senate.

When another reporter asked if leadership had pressured him to return for a vote on the budget resolution — a key moment in the tax reform debate — Cochran smiled and responded, “It’s a beautiful day outside.” – “Frail And Disoriented, Cochran Says He’s Not Retiring” Politico, 10/18/17

“Senator Cochran, are you thinking about retiring?”

“From what?”

“The Senate.”

“Who’s that?”

“The Senate, sir. It’s not a ‘who.’ It is the country’s senior legislative body.”

“You wanna talk bodies, then we gotta talk Jayne Mansfield. Everybody knows her for her titty-balls, but the woman had a back porch you could sit on all afternoon.”

“Senator, are you okay?”

“The Chinese invented spaghetti. Lotta people don’t know that.”

“Sir?”

“What’s your name, young man?”

“Jenkins, sir.”

“Oh, that’s lovely. My momma was a kind woman. She carried dimes in her purse to hand out to negro children.”

“Yes, sir. Very kind.”

“She was a saint. The negros did not deserve my momma.”

“Sir, there’s talk that your health may have declined.”

“Nonsense. I could leap straight over that desk right there.”

“That’s not a desk, sir. That’s Ted Cruz.”

Oh, I wish I was–“

“Please don’t sing this song, sir.”

–in da land of cotton.”

“Oh, and you’re doing it in dialect. Wonderful.”

Old times dere are not forgotten.”

“Uh-huh. Sir, I think it’s time for you to vote.”

“Thurmond in ’48!”

“It is not 1948, sir. And Strom Thurmond is dead.”

“Probably too much Chinese spaghetti. Told him to lay off the starch.”

“Could be, sir. Can you answer one more question?”

“Of course I can. I’m a United States Senator. I can answer any question.”

“Where are you right now, sir?”

“Except that one.”

“Gotcha.”

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