Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Barely-Live Dead

billy mickey bobby reunion 50

Rumors abound, swirl, procreate, grow, invade Moldova: this is the way people do things, and for all evidence to the contrary, the Dead are just people. (Some of them are no longer people.)

The 50th anniversary will be a big year, the money has decided, and if certain band members need to be separated from one another by a chain-link fence, or others require cash deposits with the promoters due to the “not being upright for the show” problem they’ve acquired recently, then accommodations will be made. The money has stated, in no uncertain terms, its location and availability. All that is required is for four specific senior citizens (and whatever ringers they choose) to not kill each other (or die of unrelated causes) for long enough to go get the money.

But between comments boards of various sites, forums, anonymous tips, tweets from actual participants, leaked schedules, the bugs TotD has planted in Terrapin Crossroads, and things clearly pulled out of the universe’s ass and posted on Facebook, it’s hard to tel the players without a scorecard.

TotD presents the Most Credible Rumors about the 50th Anniversary Tour:

  • Phil’s had enough of Bobby’s bullshit.
  • Billy’s had enough of Jill’s bullshit.
  • Mickey knows he got promoted into the “core four” through sheer not-dying, but he’s happy to be there all the same.
  • Everyone hates everyone else’s guitarist.
  • It might end up being Warren Hayes because–and this is a quote from a high-placed anonymous source–“he’s gonna be at all the damn festivals, anyway.”
  • There is still a small, but vocal, minority pushing for Hologram Garcia. (I am warning all involved: do not make Hologram Garcia.)
  • Contrary to some of the more misogynist blathering that goes on, Jill Lesh is neither a shrew nor a chiseller: she is an intelligent and savvy woman getting Phil what he is worth on the open market.
  • That said, she did float an idea about offering a “Super-Platinum Super-Fan Super-Package” that allowed a fan to jam with the band on a song of his (it would assuredly be a guy) choosing.
  • This is awkward to bring up, but: remember that nice thing that Bobby used to do for Garcia, vis-a-vis holding certain things? Yeah, well: Bobby needs a Bobby now.
  • There does remain the slightest possibility that none of them are remotely insurable.
  • Mickey really wants Night Ranger to open, and he’s being stubborn about it.
  • Regarding Mrs. Donna Jean’s participation, the “core four” are of one mind: they would like her to be there. They are also of one mind about preferring not to pay her a full member’s share of the money.
  • A good third of the arguing and misunderstandings can be attributed to the fact they they’re all stone-deaf at this point.

24 Comments

  1. “Can’t we all just get along?”
    Go do what the Stones did. Rock out with u’r guitars out. 50 years is a dream come true for ANY career. On with the show(s) please. You owe it to the fans who put you ALL where you are today!

  2. George Szeremeta

    December 8, 2014 at 6:26 pm

    so…. When do we start!

  3. this guy here, http://media.tumblr.com/0ea6b07bc68a91e795002688dd31865c/tumblr_inline_mlg6dyPBUV1qz4rgp.jpg he can bring his theremin while the hologram jerry and tupac have their man to man about trix….

  4. Lots of half-truths and partial truths here as well as some out right falsehoods. That’s the problem with rumors. You could do a little better with accuracy, keep digging

  5. Jeez, mosta this stuff coulda been true of every tour since about ’86 or so.

  6. Love it… Very funny. Need Donna to be there

  7. Sadly, the last point explains why they missed the rest of the Platinum Super Duper Package, which empowers the Super Fan to actually BE hologram Garcia via motion capture. Several other hologram band members are also in the works. Reportedly Andy Serkis is lobbying hard to retain the rights to at least one of them.

  8. very funny stuff- need any gorgeous harmony?? 🙂

  9. wonderfully put…..music apart, not many could keep their dogmas on a leash….some of the recordings of the suing and counter suing after jerry’s passing seemed to emphasise they too were selling something they actually did not subscribe too….nit sitting in judgement but apart from the music I also bought in to the philosophy….

  10. For those of us who actually had to endure Donna’s wailing, I vote for a big no-show!

  11. Reporting? It THAT what this is? Oh, Warren Haynes! Imagine that! Wait, what? The devil you say, there’s been internal squabbling amongst the core four? OMG! And, please, say it isn’t so – the almighty dollar has invaded GD land? It’s not the Summer of Love anymore??

    This “reporting” that you stand by with your impeccable journalistic standards – does that include the characterization of “Weir’s bullshit”? Lesh’s words or yours, man? Whatsamatter, Weir doesn’t work hard enough for ya at 66 when he doesn’t need to work at all? What if Lesh needed to replace his trashed liver ten years earlier and had to take a year off from the GD? Would that have been “Lesh’s bullshit”?

    Here’s what I guess would be news to this esteemed member of the journalistic community: doooooood – “the money” that you keep referring to, as if this all begins with some little group of greedy capitalist conspirators, is only that after the fact. “The money” is really only just exactly what it has always been around here: it’s the GD community, which single-handedly drives the scene, and that for some peculiar reason keeps hangin’ around while paying way less to hear their faves than almost any other major band fan base, and without which there would be no business to exploit in the first place. Let’s see YOU try and un-ring THAT bell…

    I personally don’t need to hear Haynes sit in for Garcia again, especially when we now know that either JK or Jeff do a much better job as the genuine apprentices they are, but I understand why the natural forces of economics dictate that Warren represents an anchor of various sorts (the Dead is of course far from the first rock band to have concert insurance issues). But if this thing happens and I don’t attend, I’m not sure I won’t miss one of those still-possible magic moments, fleeting as they are, that would not only be a pure and fitting tribute to Pig, Keith, Brent, JG & Vince AND US on the bands 50th anniversary, but would also be that rare and priceless elixir that transcends “the money” every single time it unpredictably rears its head.

  12. More cowbell from 1983!

  13. This blog is such the mindf@(k! LOVE IT! Still hoping to hear that St.Steven>Sister Christian>Drums.

  14. Hack Thaw from Snichita

    December 10, 2014 at 12:16 am

    I actually heard that a neighboring star system was vying for a tour by the Core Four and had even put in an acceptable offer, the only problem is that it’s a million light years away and the boys would actually be Dead by the time they got there. Yeah, they’ll be Dead but will they be Grateful?

  15. ok invite Donna just don’t turn her mic on

  16. ya know, this fifty thing… it’s gonna make the worst Adam Sandler movie seem quite Ben Hurish, gosh some big fun in chi town, jus ‘member Boys STAN Da FECK UT!!!

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