Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Barry, Crown

“Psst. Hanks.”

“Yes, sir?”

“Queen’s hammered.”

“You don’t mean ‘blitzed?'”

“Nice one.”

“Thank you, sir. You sure? She seems okay.”

“Positive. No one, uhhhh, holds their liquor like royalty. Watch this. Your Majesty, how are you?”

“I own India.”

“See? Out of it.”


“You got no idea how much these people drink.”

“Well, you know, sir: they don’t have jobs.”

“Oh, no. They have a ton of responsibilities. There’s, uhhh, the waving.”

“She accepts a lot of flowers.”

“Right. That’s a tough gig, man. Sometimes, there’s thorns.”

“Boy, howdy. Can’t have the Queen prick her finger.”

“No. That’s how fairy tales start.”

“Every time. Whose job is better, sir, yours or hers?”

“You kidding? Hers. Not even a close call. You know what she does in the morning?”


“The woman gets up at nine, takes an hour-long bath, and then looks at her messages until lunch. Meanwhile, I gotta talk to Rahm Emmanuel before the sun comes up. If you’re given the choice between being President and being Queen, choose ‘Queen.'”

“Toddies! Toddies or off with all your heads!”

“Yes, Your Majesty. Steward? Steward?”

“Yes, Mr. President?”

“Bring the table a round of toddies.”


“Just heat up some booze and put it in a glass mug.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Toddies are coming, Your Majesty.”

“We must crush the Irish.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Psst, Mr. President.”

“Yeah, Tom?”

“If you can slip out for five minutes, I brought you a present.”

“Can you smoke it?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I’m not asking any more questions. Let’s go, Forrest.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Gotcha. Hey, Tom. Let’s, uhhh, not sexually harass anyone on the way out.”

“Oh, no. That would break everyone’s hearts.”


  1. I think there was a Hankshand™ on the royal bum.

  2. Apparently mr. Hanks ( who lets face it is one of the best actors of his time, I mean ‘ one red shoe’ – formidable!) has become an author with a book of short stories written on film sets throughout the years. I read an interview with him about the book, he seems like a nice guy. Hanks and Obama would definitely have sparked a doobie on this occasion.

    • Luther Von Baconson

      December 8, 2017 at 4:57 pm

      “don’t Bogart that joint, Your Majesty”

      “you didn’t follow Royal Protocol, Barry. it’s ‘Ma’am’ after your first ‘Your Majesty’. kindly pass the joint to Thomas and await it’s return after me”

  3. Perfectly placed “uhhh”s

  4. I do believe the royal term for soused is ‘ she’s three sheets to the wind’ which judging from that smile she certainly is.

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