Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Beware The Ides Of March, Redux

March 15th, 44 BC – DAWN

“The situation has come to a head, Brutus.”

“Everything is fine.”

“Caesar means to become our tyrant!”

“Do you think I do not know this, Cassius?”

“And he’s just so goddamned bad at it!”

“I believe Caesar is playing a long con. Merely faking incompetence in order to lure the supporters of Pompey and Mark Antony into a false complacence. And then he will strike!”

“If he is faking his incompetence, Brutus, then he is Rome’s greatest actor. The cryers.”

“What about the cryers?”

“Do you think it befitting the Consul to send cryers to the agora every fifteen minutes to yell out whatever inane thought passed through his head?”

“Caesar communicates with the plebs directly.”

“He riles them up is what he does! Half of his cries are about gladiators he doesn’t like, and the other half are downright dangerous. What happened when he cried out ‘The Jews are the problem’ the other day?”

“The Jews were massacred.”

“There you go.”

“It was a small massacre.”

“Are you even listening to yourself anymore?”

“Cassius, you speak nonsense.”

“What of the men he surrounds himself with? The lean and hungry type.”

“Bannus is not lean at all. Plump man.”

“I was speaking metaphorically.”

“Good Romans, all of those men.”

“Bannus is well known for eating his slaves.”

“Hey, they’re his slaves.”

“And what about the Muslim Ban?”

“I did find that weird, sure.”

“The religion hasn’t even been invented yet, and he won’t stop talking about it.”

“You have a point, Cassius.”

“And what in the gods’ names is the Deep Senate?”

“They’re the people who really run things around here. The rich and well-connected that secretly rule Rome.”

“The rich and well-connected don’t secretly run Rome: they blatantly run Rome. You described our system of government.”

“I don’t understand why you’re being so mean to Mr. Caesar.”

“I’m not being mean, it’s that…wait, what? Mr. Caesar?”

“Unlike you, I’m respectful.”

“Caesar’s not his last name.”

“Julius Caesar.”

“That is so not how it works. How do you not know that?”

“I got a C in Latin.”

“We’re digressing. Listen, Brutus: we need to assassinate Caesar for the good of Rome.”

“He hasn’t done anything yet!”

“He’s going to.”


“Yes, Brutus?”

“What if killing Caesar to prevent the loss of the Republic causes the death of the Republic?”

“Wow, would that be ironic.”


“Great theme for a play.”

“C’mon, Brutus: let’s go become history’s greatest heroes.”

“Oh, fine. Let’s stab the bald bastard.”

“Long live the Republic!”



  1. Tuesday Jackson

    March 15, 2017 at 9:59 pm

    Now you brought the subject up….“Cassius, you loud bastard!”

    Cassius was not by nature a plotter. He seemed to carry a certain pathos. Little by little he developed a savage humility. He would have no need of allowances.

    Much unlike this man in a dinner jacket.

    Mary Beard’s SPQR is good too.

  2. Humming a happy tune

    March 15, 2017 at 10:41 pm

    I believe that Hunter s Thompson once speculated that calling for Edward messes to be fucked by an acid crazed elk was under American law, legal, use this for your defense good sir. Remember the Texas kid at the 20000 strong rally with the anti bush shirt who went to jail!? Land of the free indeed.

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    March 16, 2017 at 4:53 pm

    uh oh 3CP1

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.