Today is International Polar Bear Day; fuck them, they’re monsters. There are two animals that prefer eating human beings to their usual fare, and the polar bear is one of them. The other is the tiger, and the tiger is not as bad as the polar bear. In the Sundarbans, which is a giant jungle occupying parts of India and Bangladesh, the tigers eat 50 or 60 people a year. But tigers only attack from behind, so the locals took to wearing backward-facing masks to fool the cats. Thus, the tiger is not as scary as the polar bear: there is a possible defense.

Whereas you cannot stare a polar bear down. Polar bear doesn’t give two shits which way you’re looking. Polar bear will attack you from the front, the back, the side, death from above; he couldn’t care less. Polar bear is ten feet tall and runs 40 miles an hour and has been cold for his entire life, so he is very cranky. Polar bear gonna getcha.

The arctic ursine’s temperament might be chalked up to location. Grizzly bears rarely eat people who don’t deserve it, most likely because grizzly bears live in forests, which are filled with food, while the polar bear lives in the opposite of that. I blame the childhood environment.

Look at this bullshit:

Polar bear isn’t dumb; polar bear knows he ain’t eating them walruses. But that’s the best option: imagine being so hungry you tried to eat a moving Volkswagen.

I have now talked myself into feeling bad for polar bears, and I volunteer to be fed to one after my death. (Unless I die from being attacked by a polar bear. If that happens, shoot the bear and do not let it eat me. But if I die from something else–mercury posioning or sclerosis of the phlegm, perhaps–then please feed me to a hungry polar bear.)