Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Big In Japan

bobby tour bus

HONK

HOOOOOOONK

“I’m coming, Bobby. Stop it with the–”

“What the fuck is this, Bob?”

“We’re going on an adventure. Need a chariot.”

“This is too much chariot. It’s just the two of us.”

“It’s not.”

“Goddammit.”

“Josh, you little prick! Bring Uncle Billy five beers!”

“Goddammit.”

“He tagged along.”

“Who else is in there?”

“Y’know: I have absolutely no idea. Old friends? New characters? Isadora Duncan? It’s, um, a wide-open world in there. Anything could happen.”

CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Mushi mushi?”

“John, just say ‘hello’ like a person.”

“Katy, how are you? Hold on. Bob, I gotta take this.”

“Ah, yeah, sure. Tell Kitty Pryde I say hi.”

“Sure. Katy?”

“Hello, John. Things are getting very weird.”

“What’s going on? Are you still being held hostage by Scottish ninjas that you are also in a punk band with?”

“Oh, thank you for doing the exposition. I just didn’t have it in me.”

“Anything for you, Kit-Kat.”

“Don’t call me that. John, I escaped from the Scottish ninjas.”

“How?”

katy perry geishas

“I hired actual ninjas. From China.”

“Japan.”

“Yes.”

“Katy, those aren’t ninjas. Those are geishas.”

“They identify as ninjas, John.”

“Katy.”

“You don’t define their truth.”

“Katy.”

“They have the tiniest feet.”

“Please tell me what happened.”

“The Scottish ninjas and I played Glastonbury.”

“It’s been a terrible week for England.”

“And I managed to get hold of a phone at the meet-and-greet?”

“You were a hostage and you went to the meet-and-greet.”

“I am a professional, John.”

“Sure.”

“And I got Dr. Gary on the line! He arranged for the actual ninjas to kidnap me from the Scottish ninjas. He rescued me, John! But then the actual ninjas stopped being helpful kidnappers and started being regular kidnappers. The actual ninjas kidnapped me, John.”

“No, they didn’t. This is all Dr. Gary’s plan.”

“That can’t be true.”

“Yeah, it is. Four or five posts from now, we find out he’s behind everything as part of some elaborate and ridiculous plan.”

“What’s the plan?”

“Great question.”

HONK

HOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNKNKKKK

“I’m coming to get you, Katy.”

“Oh, thank you. I don’t know what’s going on here and I’m scared. I can’t understand a word anyone’s saying and I’m getting sick of sushi, John. You know how people say that they could eat sushi every day? They don’t know what they’re talking about.”

“Please tell me you’re not–”

“I’m in Japan.”

“–in Japan. Dammit.

“They’re going to throw octopuses at me, John. Please come get me.”

“Dammit. I’m coming.”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANYMORE

“Bob, how the hell do we get to Japan?”

“Driver knows a shortcut.”

“Let’s go.”

 

2 Comments

  1. So now starts the Precarious Lee / John Snow comparisons. Or just though the time sheath at the problem. Most likely I’m just so tired that this is the equivalent of drunk texting.

  2. RING RING..

    ToTD hear, if you heard it in your head it might be something I said.

    ToTD, this is your publishing agent, If you want this book published you need to answer the phone more professionally.

    Fuck You.

    This time they are concerned about the talking horses.

    Fuck them. Why do they object to the talking horses, yet not the Ned Lagin erotica chapter ?!?

    Picked the wrong publisher I guess.

    Picked the wrong agent..

    Fuck You

    Fuck You

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