Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Bill And Benjy (Variations)

bill walton benjy giants

“You’re not an Asian lady, but you couldn’t play professional basketball, either. Not because of the Judaism, though: NBA’s a wildly inclusive place. Lot of great Jewish players. Kareem Abdul Jabbar, for example.”

“Are you sure about that, Bill?”

“Oh, yeah. When he converted to Islam, he marked the wrong box on the form. Checked off ‘Jew’ instead of ‘Muslim.’ No one noticed for a few years. Kareem scored around 5,000 points as a Jew, legally speaking.”

“There’s a form?”

“What’s happening, Benjy? How’s the Summer of Skank going?”

“It’s getting skanky.”

“Well, hence the name.”

“No, skankier than that. Like: the level of skank we started at? We have surpassed that by orders of magnitude at this point. We might be reaching skankuration.”

“That’s skanky.”

“Yeah.”

“What’s caused the escalation?”

“Billy discovered the internet.”

“Oh, the internet is maybe 65% pure skank.”

“Access to skank is unfettered. He’s meeting girls online now.”

“Tinder?”

“Craigslist.”

“Oh, that’s no good.”

“Getting great stories out of it, though. Billy invited a local roller-derby team over the other night to watch the Olympics. They gave him a 4×400 Relay.”

“Was his boner the baton?”

“Yeah.

“He does that every Olympics.”

“Got almost enough material for the book, and then I concentrate on the new Reed Mathis-led Classical Dance Music project, Electric Beethoven, whose debut album is available September 30.”

“Don’t you plug at me, young man.”

“A man has a right to plug, Bill Walton.”

“You two nitwits got a title for the book yet?”

“Couple options: Easy Skanking: Crazy Nights, Hazy Days, and Sticky Bellies on Tour with Dead & Company and other stories.”

“Terrible.”

The Shawskank Redemption.”

“Horrible.”

A Boner’s-Eye View of America.”

“No.”

Summer of Skank: Goin’ In Dry.”

“Ugh.”

Summer of Skank: That’s Not My Thermometer.”

“I know that joke.”

Summer of Skank: Mission to Moscow.”

“I’m walking over there now, Benjy

“Okay, Bill. Can I have my hat back?”

“No.”

1 Comment

  1. Bill always makes you take your hat off for pictures.

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