“Thoughts on my Ass!”
Hey, Billy. Been a while.
“Help! Fuckin’ giants, man!”
Those aren’t giants. They’re basketball players.
“Either of ’em LeBron?’
“Fuck ’em, then.”
Sure. Where you been, buddy?
“The islands, man. I only come back to the mainland when someone pays me to. Wait, I know who this guy is. Walton. I know this fucker.”
For, like, 40 years.
“I got my mind on other stuff. Preoccupied as shit.”
“Relix is publishing an article about all the skank I plowed. They talked to the skank, Ass!”
That’s not good.
“They talked to the skank!”
I heard you.
“There’s all sorts of stories in this thing. The time I jerked off into a plant in front of some skank.”
You made a woman watch you masturbate?
“Made her? It was her fucking idea! She was at the salad bar shoving celery in herself. She was on her period. Called it a Bloody Mary.”
“I don’t even know where they found half these chicks. I didn’t even know most of their real names. Like Bus Locker.”
“I kept her in a bus locker.”
“She was into it!”
Well, that’s fine. It sounds like you’re talking about consensual perversions here, Bill.
“I didn’t consent to some of it. I liked it, but I didn’t consent to it.”
I don’t think this article will affect your reputation.
“It’s the principle of the thing. A gentleman never tells.”
You literally wrote a book about your adventures in skank town.
“Yeah, but I’m not a gentleman.”
“And it turns out that the skank aren’t gentlemen, either.”
No, they’re skank.
“I expected more.”
You shouldn’t have.
“I am laid low by that which I love the most. I’m like a Greek tragedy, Ass.”
“You know what a real Greek tragedy is? Running out of lube when you’re banging one of them. They’re all about the butt.”
“See you on tour.”