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“No, thank you. I’m a happily married man, Billy.”


“I’m okay.”

“Think about the skank, Walton!”

“Oh, sure: I think about the skank. I’m just like a man, only larger.”

“Right! C’mon, man: I need some good stories for my book.”

“Well, Jeez, Billy: nothing can top the Healy orgy.”

“No, no. I can try to equal it, though.”

“Most rock books don’t include the time the subject and the sound guy assembly-lined a roomful of skank. You dared to be different.”

“I gotta be me. C’mon, Walton, remember what we used to do to chicks? What did we call it?”


“What did we call it?”


“We called it Butt and Jeff.”

“Butt and Jeff! You still got that van?”

“I do.”

“Ever get the smell out?”

“I didn’t.”

“Forget about the van, Walton. It’s not about the van. Here’s the plan: you get the van. We go to LA and rent some porn stars. I got this new thing: it’s called LSD, but the L is for Levitra.”

“What’s that like?”

“Your dick trips balls.”

“That’s a little tempting.”

“It’s good shit. Me and Mickey took some in Boston. We did a Battle of Salamis

“I don’t want to do the little back-and-forth again. Just tell me what that is.”

“You get your skank on top of you in reverse cowgirl, right? Grab her hands and then you stand up, so now she’s supported by your hands and boner horizontal to the ground. Then, on the other side of the hotel suite, your other drummer does the same with his skank. Then you ram ’em into one another at top speed. Battle of Salamis.”

“Billy, that’s not sex. I don’t know what it is, but it’s not human sex.”

“I had a boner.”

“Still not sex.”

“It was sexual.”

“Let’s just play the drums, Billy.”

“We had fun in the van, though, right?”

“So much. Great times. Got more tail than a comet.”

“Oh, yeah. Your dick still weird?”

“My dick’s not weird at all. When it’s soft, it’s like a dangling tube sock with a clementine orange in it; when I get a boner, it plumps up and looks like a Saguaro cactus with 8 deep furrows along the sagittal planes and an equatorial bulge. Not weird.”

“Let’s just play the drums, Walton.”