Good afternoon, everyone. Another summer of this bullshit.
I’d like everyone to read this memo, and for someone to read it to Bobby. These are my new rules, and they must be adhered to if you wish your dicks to remain unpunched.
Yes, I’m talking to you, Black Phil.
There will be no entering my dressing room, tour bus, hotel suite, or isolation pod. NO ONE can come in, unless they have skank and/or cocaine. DO NOT bring me skank and/or cocaine unless invited or it is EXCEPTIONALLY good skank and/or cocaine. I’m talking that Merck shit.
I have rehired Benjy as my security team, and bought him nunchucks. BENJY WILL NUNCHUCK YOU if you enter my personal space without being invited.
This goes for EVERYONE, no matter how pretty they are and how many movie stars they have stuck it in!
You must schedule an appointment. If you schedule an appointment and cancel, then you will be charged for the visit.
I have had my kind and generous nature taken advantage of for TOO LONG. Do not approach me when I am in my tugger chair. Do not compliment me on my favorite red baseball cap. Even if your intent is to say mean things about Phil, YOU MUST HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.
Anyone walking by my dressing room will have a couch thrown at their family.
Do not wait for me in the hallway, or I will have Benjy set you on fire. The nunchucks have flame-throwing capability. If you attempt to walk with me, I will karate chop you in the throat.
YOU MAY NOT TAKE OFFENSE AT THESE RULES. It is for the good of the music, and also I’m just completely fucking sick of all of you people.
All of this goes double for Mickey.
May Allah’s Blessings be upon you,