Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Bowl, Share

What the fuck?

“Go away,”


“Not now.”


“Fuck off.”


“Stop stealing jokes from Archer.

What the fuck is Tom wearing?

“I was confused about that myself. It’s almost a robe, and–”

Almost a kimono, but definitely not a coat, yeah yeah. It’s called a toppermost.

“That’s not a real thing.”

It is. Rich people have a whole set of garments that normal folks don’t have access to.

“Tom’s not rich. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be on a fucking Jam Cruise.”

Is that what this is?

“Yup. You know Phil’s restaurant?”

Of course.

“Well, imagine you couldn’t leave for five days and there was a 40% chance of contracting Legionnaire’s Disease.”


“And Turkuaz was there.”

Jesus. Y’know, it’s not too late to go back to grad school. What was your hat’s GPA?

“Okay, this was fun, but I’m busy.”

I wanna know where the fuck he got that toppermost.

“I don’t know. The store?”

Holly. Look at that garment. What store would you buy that in?

“Yeah, okay, you have a point.”

This is not good. I just hope–


–a certain social media star doesn’t find out. Heeeeeey, buddy.

“Dude, I’m steaming. Why does Brad Whitford–”

Tom Hamilton.

“–have one of my toppermosts!? He’s not even supposed to know they exist, let alone be wearing one.”

Got me.

“You know how much that cost?”

Too much?

“Waaaaay too fucking much. That’s a handcrafted piece by Sushi Sashimi.”

Not a real Japanese name.

“He’s not even wearing it right!”

How so?

“He’s fucking poor!”

John, this is an ugly side of you.

“Dude, I don’t have an ugly side. I mean, my right profile is slightly more handsome, but–”


“I am so pissed off. What the fuck is going on here, anyway? Who’s the chick in the hat?”

The very talented Holly Bowling. And this is the Jam Cruise.

“I don’t know what a ‘Jam Cruise’ is, and I refuse to learn.”

Good decision.

“Does that guy have his dick out?”

Tom? I hope not. Unless it’s part of the improv. Keith Jarrett used to do that if someone coughed.

“No, not Tim.”


“Don’t care. Not him. The guy on the left in the yellow shirt.”


“It can’t be.”

If it is, good for him.

“Is this what people do on the Jam Cruise? Wear hats and take their dicks out?”

Pretty much.

“Trump’s gonna win in 2020.”



  1. Can’t you sense the sexual tension between their hats?

  2. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    January 21, 2018 at 3:53 pm

    I await the Bowling Meyer Band.

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    January 22, 2018 at 3:54 pm

    kurt von trapp’s got a Peep on his pee-pee

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