Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Bring Me The Head Of Hairy Garcia

“BRING ME HAIRY GARCIA, THAT AH MAY KARATE HIM.”

Oh, right: that’s how this started. The picture of the Dead at Graceland.

“HOW MANY MARTIAL ARTS DOES HAIRY GARCIA KNOW?”

Zero.

“THEN AH WILL ACCEPT HIM AS MAH STUDENT. AH WILL TEACH HIM THE WAYS OF THE FIST, THE FOOT, AND HOW TO TOSS THEM THROWIN’ STARS REAL GOOD. AH CAN KILL A WATERMELON AT FIFTY PACES.”

Wow.

“AH AM VERY TALENTED AT EVERYTHIN’ AH DO. EVERYONE AH EMPLOY TELLS ME SO.”

That sounds healthy.

“HAIRY GARCIA WILL TRAIN WITH ME IN MAH PRIVATE DOJO.”

Elvis, he almost certainly won’t do that. I’m sure he’d like to meet you, but he isn’t a “training in the dojo” sort of guy.

“HE WILL CALL ME ‘SENSEI’ AND PREPARE THE RICE, WHICH HE WILL THEN DISPOSE OF AN’ BRING ME SOME CHICKEN-FRIED PEANUT BUTTER SAN’WICHES.”

So why does he have to make the rice?

“YOU EVER SEE A KARATE MOVIE WHERE THE STUDENT DON’ GOTTA MAKE THE RICE?”

True. Garcia will not do any of this.

“HE WILL LEARN FROM ME KARATE, AND JUDO, AND KUNG FU. ALL THE WAYS THE DIFF’RENT TYPES OF CHINESE DONE FIGURED OUT HOW TO KICK EACH OTHER WITH.”

What are “different types of Chinese?”

“JAPANESE, KOREAN”

Those are separate countries.

“SAME HAIRCUT.”

You’re horrible.

“AH WILL SHARE WITH HAIRY GARCIA THE SECRET MARTIAL ARTS OF WHICH AH AM THE ONLY WHITE MAN TO KNOW! WE WILL START WITH ZHU JONG”

What’s that?

“YOU WHACK TH’ CRAP OUTTA PEOPLE WITH BAMBOO POLES. AH WILL ALSO INTRODUCE HIM TO INDONESIAN TOOTH-FIGHTING.”

What’s that?

“THASS WHEN YOU BITE ON A SUMBITCH. NOMNOMNOM.”

That’s not a real thing.

“AH HAVE THREE BLACK BELTS IN THE DISCIPLINE.”

Sure.

“THERE WILL ALSO BE WEAPONS TRAINING.”

What kind of weapons do you prefer, Elvis?

“AH LIKE TELLIN’ SONNY AND RED TO BEAT PEOPLE UP.”

I guess that counts.

5 Comments

  1. I’ll see your Sunny and Red, and raise you a Parish.

  2. Some old nobodaddy

    January 8, 2017 at 1:13 pm

    Elvis would never had used cheesy internet parlance, such as nomnomnom. Even he had limits.

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    January 8, 2017 at 3:12 pm

    Billy in the strippitey shirt, no? timesheathed from ’67 to 73.

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