“None of these boys know how to properly fight a Rando War.”
“Coach Wooden taught me everything I know about Rando Wars.”
Which is what?
“Number one: try not to touch the randos.”
“Number two: watch your wallet; some randos are actually pickpockets in disguise.”
“And I’m especially susceptible to pickpockets. My eyes are 22 feet away from my pockets.”
“Number three: hands up on defense.”
Bill Walton, I have a question.
Was there a situation for which Coach Wooden didn’t say to put your hands up on defense?
“Hands at ten at two. Coach was a stickler. Sometimes, he would hide in the backseats of our cars to make sure we were doing it right. Used to scare the bejeezus out of me.”
“Can anyone get in on Rando War?”
Who is that?
No, Andy Cohen from Bravo, you cannot be a part of Rando War.
“But, I have a rando.”
You’re not a Grateful Dead.
“Neither is Walton.”
Walton has two championship rings.
“I have tons of rings.”
Andy, you’re out. Not happening. I let you in Rando War, and every loose screw and nutjob out there is gonna want in.
“Bullshit. I want in. And when Andy Cohen wants something, just watch what happens.”
I see what you did there.
“I’m quick on my feet.”
“I have a rando! Are we doing Rando War?”
Okay, first of all, Amir Bar-Lev: you cannot participate in Rando War. Second: that is not a rando. That’s Greg Gumbel.
“This is anti-Semitism.”
How!? Andy Cohen’s not allowed in, either!
You stop accusing me of things, dammit.
“I’ll make you a deal.”
This is not a negotiation.
“12-hour long Director’s Cut.”
Don’t you lie to me, Amir Bar-Lev.
“Three hours is the Englishtown show.”
There is no Director’s Cut. There’s just wackadoos and speculists making shit up on the internet.
“If you say so.”
“The Senator from Minnesota rises to enter Rando War.”
Again: not a rando. That’s a Senator.
“How many Senators could you pick out of a lineup?”
I could pick Elizabeth Warren out, Al.
Your lapels are too narrow.
“I want in Rando War, and I’m prepared to shut down the government or do my Mick Jagger impression until it happens.”
I truly hate this bit.
“It’s not as bad as the one with the Burning Man girls and then the picture of the weird guy.”
True. That one’s dreadful.
“Wanna talk Althea?’