Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Buckle Up, It’s Going To Be A Bumpy Ride

“YOU SEE THIS BELT BUCKLE, NIX?”

“Tough to miss it, Elvis.”

“AH’LL GET YOU ONE. AN’ THAT GREEK FELLA YOU SEND OUT T’ BE MEAN T’ PEOPLE. WHASS THAT OL’ BOY’S NAME?”

“I believe you’re speaking about Spiro Agnew, King. He’s the Vice-President.”

“UH-HUH. WE SHOULD BRING HIM ALONG T’ 2017. AH THINK HE’D BE GOOD ON TWITTER.”

“What?”

“WE GONNA HAVE TO CATCH YOU UP IF YOU’RE GONNA BE PRESIDENT O’ THE 21ST CENT’RY, NIX.”

“Yes, yes. Excellent idea. I need a briefing on contemporary issues. Let’s start at the top. Who is this Trump jackass replacing? Tell me about the outgoing president.”

“YOU MIGHT WANNA SIDDOWN F’R THIS ONE, NIX.”

“How bad could it possibly be?”

“AH’M JUS’ GONNA WHISPER IT TO YA. PSS-PSS-PSS.”

“What?”

“PSS-PSS-PSS.”

“Oh, dear.”

“PSS-PSS-PSS.”

“What!?”

“PSS-PSS-PSS.”

“His wife’s one, too?”

“YESSIR.”

“Good God, Elvis. What has this country become?”

“NOW YOU JUS’ HOLD ON T’ THEM WHITE HORSES, NIX! THAT FELLA LEAVING THIS OFFICE 47 YEARS FROM NOW IS A GOOD MAN. HE DID RIGHT BY THE FOLKS WHAT VOTED F’R HIM, AND DID WHAT HE COULD FOR TH’ FOLKS WHAT DIDN’T. THAT OBAMA IS A FINE AMERICAN, AN’ AH WOULD ALLOW HIM T’ BRING ME SCARVES AND WATER ANY DAY.”

“I suppose it could be worse. Could be a Catholic.”

“AH’M WITH YOU ON THAT ONE, MR. PRESIDENT. THEM PAPISTS IS SOME GOOFY GOOBERS.”

“Answerable only to Rome, Elvis. The loyalty of the Catholic is to Rome, not America.”

“WELL, THASS BETTER THAN THIS SOMBITCH WE’RE OVERTHROWIN’! HE ANSWERS T’ MOSCOW.”

“Much worse in every capacity. Politics, weather.”

“AIN’ NOBODY EVER BOUGHT NO RUSSIAN SPORTS CAR.”

“No, no. The Italian is incapable of governing himself or conducting a proper war, but he has style. Nixon never had style, Elvis. They mock me for this, the press. They wanted Kennedy. You know what Jack Kennedy was, King? A haircut with herpes, that’s it. But he had style, which I do not.”

“THASS WHY AH’M GETTIN’ YOU THE BELT BUCKLE. YOU PUT ONE OF THESE ON, AN’ LADIES GONNA START ASKIN’ YOU T’ SIGN THEIR TATAS.”

“I don’t know if Mrs. Nixon will be okay with that, Elvis.”

“SIGN HER TATAS, TOO, NIX. GOTTA SPREAD YER SEXY AROUND.”

“Elvis, let’s concentrate. Is the, uh, Time Cape all charged up? We need to be ready to leave at a moment’s notice.”

“GOOD CALL, MAN. LEMME GET HER UP T’ FULL POWER. HI-YAAH!”

“HI-YAAH!”

“HI-YAAH!”

“Is the Time Cape powered by karate, Elvis?”

“IT IS, NIX. NOTHIN’ GETS BY YOU.”

“Wonderful.”

“WHAT WE WAITIN’ FOR, MAN? AH’M FIXIN’ TO FIX THE 21ST CENTURY.”

“Our naval support, Elvis. They just called, and have upgraded to a faster ship. They should be here any minute.”

“UH-HUH.”

“Is this like the Time War, Billy?”

“Kinda. It’s a Time Coup.”

“Bloodless?”

“Why would they call me if they wanted it to be bloodless?”

“True. Are we getting paid?”

“No.”

“Are you getting paid?”

“Yes.”

“Bill, we’re in Hawaii. How are we gonna get to D.C. by Friday?”

“Precarious is driving the boat.”

“Oh, okay.”

3 Comments

  1. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    January 19, 2017 at 9:55 am

    Nixon just realized that the picture of Jesus is signed “Love and Devotion, Elvis”.

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    January 19, 2017 at 12:57 pm

    some Potato Salad Detente there, no?

  3. you sir are a genius.

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