Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Burning Up The Wires



“What’s crackalacking? John Mayer’s yakking.”

“Please hold for me.”


“Hello, John. It’s me.”


“I have become glorious, John.”

“Stop stealing Wally’s lines.”

“He’d let me. I think Wally has a crush on me. He says that parts of me remind him of his ex-wife.”

“I wonder which parts.”

“My boobs, John.”

“I figured, Katy. Are you still at Burning Man?

katy wings burning man

“I have also become Burning Man. I am Burning Woman now, John.”

“Sure. Listen, be careful. There are people burning down the rich people’s camps.”

“No, John. Everyone here is rich. They’re burning down the wealthy people’s camps.”

“Yeah, actually.”

“I hate rich people: they’re so poor.”

“But you’re okay?”

“I’m trailed by half-a-dozen ex-Mossad guys at all time, John. Plus I’m surrounded by half-a-dozen giant black guys.”

“How is Big Ping Pong?”


“Didn’t a gorilla eat him?”

“He got better.”

“That’s good.”

“Big Ping Pong says hi.”

“Tell him I say hi.”

“He says–”

“Katy, I don’t really want to talk to Big Ping Pong.”

“Come to Burning Man John! I will show you the world! Shining, glimmering something!”

“I can’t.”

“The Burner aesthetic will be the design language of my next tour: Katy Perry – Burning Woman ’17. There will be radical self-reliance, and stuff welded together, and I’m going to sell goggles with my name on the side for eighty bucks a pop.”

“Those will sell.”

“And at the climax of the show, we’ll light the Burning Woman.”

“I wish Dead & Company did pyro.”

“No, John. Not pyro. We will light a forty-foot tall wicker lady.”

“In a hockey arena full of people?”

“A football stadium in the summer, but yes.”

“They’ll stop you.”

“Who is ‘they,’ John? Tyranny? The stultifying strangulation of society? The fire marshals?”

“The last one.”

“Fire marshals are very unfair and liberal.”

“You can’t light a wicker lady indoors, Katy.”

“Why not?”

“The deaths it would cause.”

“Art is dangerous, John.”

“Art, sure. Will you sing your hit single Ur So Gay before or after the ritual fire?”

“Don’t take that tone with me: I have a warehouse full of cruise missiles.”

“How much stuff did Doctor Gary steal?”

“Doctor Gary is now the 13th-largest military in the world.”

“That’s no good.”

“It’s good for Doctor Gary.”


“Come here! Why are you the worst, John? Come to Burning Man. Where are you, anyway?”


“With who?”

jm steve aoki vegas

“Steve Aoki.”

“You have the worst friends.”

“He’s great!”

“He’s the Asian Dan Bilzerian.”

“I’m friends with him, too!”

“Yes, John. I know.”

“I know.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my friends.”

“Nothing you couldn’t fix with a hammer.”


“Nothing. Come to the Playa!”

“Katy, I’m already in Vegas. This is my version of the desert. I can totally see the desert out of my hotel room window, but I stay in the hotel with the nightclub and the pool and the electricity.”

“Burning Man has electricity, John. How else would the genital zapper work?”

“Okay, sweetie. I’m gonna go and take the same drugs you are, and meet the same kind of dickheads you are, but then at the end of the night, I’m in a permanent city and there’s a shower and WiFi and room service.”

“Luxury has softened you.”

“Delightfully so. Night, Katy.”

“Night, John.”

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