In our ongoing coverage of the 50th anniversary shows, TotD presents this exclusive look at the seating/pricing chart for Soldier Field, with some extra info that Big Dead is keeping from you.
- Red seat fans will have no access to amenities or restrooms during the show. If a fan with red seat tickets sees a fan with a different, better color in the hallways, the fan with the red ticket must cede the right of way and bow his head.
- The purple seats are there solely to provide the fans in the yellow seats with some semblance of protection from the filthy rabble in the orange and blue seats. Should class warfare break out at the show, the purple section will almost certainly be sacrificed in a rearguard movement to protect the precious rich people.
- Our esteemed friends in the yellow section shall receive access to a private wi-fi network allowing them to order snacks, see up to 14 different camera angles, or have a member of the red section beaten.
- While the General Admission area and the Taper’s Section are, in reality, extras in the movie being made of these shows, they have to pay to get in, anyway.
- During the show, Jay Cutler will throw three interceptions.
- The blue section smells funny. Like a hotel room that was used to shoot amateur porn and never aired out properly.
- If anyone in the GA section stops noodle dancing at any time, they will be shot by a sniper.
- Yellow section ticket-holders are also allowed to yell either “Bruuuuuuce” or “Boooooo.” Everyone else must be cheering for Bruce, no matter what they think of him.