Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Buy The Ticket, Take The Ride

seating-chart

In our ongoing coverage of the 50th anniversary shows, TotD presents this exclusive look at the seating/pricing chart for Soldier Field, with some extra info that Big Dead is keeping from you.

  • Red seat fans will have no access to amenities or restrooms during the show. If a fan with red seat tickets sees a fan with a different, better color in the hallways, the fan with the red ticket must cede the right of way and bow his head.
  • The purple seats are there solely to provide the fans in the yellow seats with some semblance of protection from the filthy rabble in the orange and blue seats. Should class warfare break out at the show, the purple section will almost certainly be sacrificed in a rearguard movement to protect the precious rich people.
  • Our esteemed friends in the yellow section shall receive access to a private wi-fi network allowing them to order snacks, see up to 14 different camera angles, or have a member of the red section beaten.
  • While the General Admission area and the Taper’s Section are, in reality, extras in the movie being made of these shows, they have to pay to get in, anyway.
  • During the show, Jay Cutler will throw three interceptions.
  • The blue section smells funny. Like a hotel room that was used to shoot amateur porn and never aired out properly.
  • If anyone in the GA section stops noodle dancing at any time, they will be shot by a sniper.
  • Yellow section ticket-holders are also allowed to yell either “Bruuuuuuce” or “Boooooo.” Everyone else must be cheering for Bruce, no matter what they think of him.

40 Comments

  1. Funny and true. If I was yelling towards Bruce you can be sure it would sound like “Booooo”

  2. Don’t forget the two most important sections! First, there is the Bill Graham Memorial Gray Sections, appropriately unpriced and uncounted for sale. Following Bill’s fine example, the seats in these sections will be sold at the pleasure of the promoter(s) as close to the time of the show as will exact the highest dollar price. I will say no more, because we all know how this will work.
    Then there is the Steve Parrish Memorial Black Section. All seats here will be comped to the best looking women this aging group of muscians can scare up, also drug dealers (viagra, mostly), and various “friends” of the band (if indeed, they haven’t alienated everyone through by recent ridiculous decision making).

    AND… at the close of the third show, don’t be surprised to hear the announcement, “Ladies and Gentlemen, these shows have all meant so much to all of us that we’ve decided to do a few more of them real soon…so we’ll be in touch tomorrow to let you know where we’ll be doing this again in the next few days. Thank you and good night.”

  3. Ugh gross my mom loves Bruce Springsteen but I think he’s NASTY

  4. Treybchediddopetoo

    January 18, 2015 at 3:51 am

    Seriously, the only person who could fuck this up is Jay Cutler.

  5. This sucks, sorry for reading

  6. To the people who don’t think this funny, get over yourselves. It’s satire, it’s supposed to be edgy and maybe offensive 🙂

  7. This is NOT funny! How dare you!

  8. Good sense of humor. Let’s remember not to take ourselves too seriously.

  9. It’s so funny! Thanks, not in a sarcastic way.

  10. most boring gd blogger ever…..your attempts at humor have always been super sucktastic and this proves it

  11. Anyone who doesn’t think this shit is funny doesn’t fully understand/appreciate the(sorta, most of the time)subject matter. If you can TRULY appreciate 22 minutes of Sugaree (and i can) you should think this shit is funny (and I do).

  12. Bradshaw Langstaff

    January 19, 2015 at 12:05 pm

    I think it’s funny and that’s what I go by. Je suis Jerry!

  13. Loved the article, I got a pretty good laugh out of it. Even better than the articles are things that your trolls and haters post.

    I haven’t read any of your other articles, and am just curious enough to check out a few on my lunch break to find out if your other posts warrant such hatred, or if it just comes down to so many heads being oversensitive assholes. Given the amount of butthurt over the announcement that Troy Pistachio is playing with the core four, I’m guessing the latter. Maybe I’ll buy one of those yellow tickets just to pick one of those fuckers out that’s sitting down during a Trey solo and have him beat up. 😉

  14. I find it truly funny, please continue. The humor is creative and inside deadhead land so well. Countless laughs, while a total gd,jg head. Cheers and well wishing

  15. Wow, just like in the old days, there’s still a contingent who have no sense of humor and just can’t stand to see their religious icons mocked in any way.

  16. Reposted..so, this is interesting; from the annotated book of Grateful Dead lyrics under the Sugaree entry it is noted; “3. Jubilee In ancient Jewish times, Jubilee held every 49 years, was a ritualized way of giving everyone a clean slate. The tradition is outlined in the bible in Leviticus 25:10: And ye shall hallow the fiftieth year, and proclaim liberty throughout all the land unto all the inhabitants thereof: it shall be a jubilee unto you and ye shall return every man unto his possession, and ye shall return every man unto his family. The basic tenet of jubilee is that all debts should be forgiven. This included indenture and mortgage of person and property. Thus the concept was readily embraced by our slave population and entered our folklore.” THEREFORE… It is the estimated prophecy, from the bible and, more importantly , The annotated book of Grateful Dead lyrics!! That this is the JUBILEE! Every fifty years we are delivered from our indentured servitude and freed to reunite with our FAMILY! All our debts are paid! (one definition of The GRATEFUL DEAD name!) I stand corrected, this should be EPIC! I’ll meet you at the Jubilee! Repent! God trumps Hitler!…and Jerry!

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