“Lisa Bloom, you are the best thing that’s happened to me in weeks. Except for that danish I had this morning. Fucked if I know how they got so much cheese in it.”

“You’re welcome, Harvey, but we need to concentrate.”

“Great, great, awesome. I am listening. Okay, let’s fix me. What’s the first step?”

“Get your hand off my tit.”

“All the way off?”


“I’m already learning from you.”

“Now, Harvey, I thought we’d start off with a little role-playing.”


“Not that kind.”

“I’m open to anything.”

“I’m going to pretend I’m a young actress.

“And I’ll be the lusty bootblack.”

“I told you that it wasn’t that type of role-playing.”

“I forgot. Go on.”

“Okay. Now, I come into your office to discuss a role in a film.”

“I masturbate into a plant.”


“I masturbate onto my cheese danish?”

“You do not masturbate at all.”

“Lisa, you have to understand: I was raised in the culture of the 60’s and 70’s, when it was okay to corner women in hallways and masturbate into plants at them.”

“That was not okay in the 60’s or the 70’s.”

“You weren’t there. It was a wild time. There was freedom in the air and jism in the ficus.”

“Harvey, listen to me.”

“Why? Are you gonna talk dirty?”


“Call me a fat fuck. It speeds up the process.”

“Harvey! You need to realize that literally everything you’re doing is wrong. You may not behave this way.”

“It’s worked so far.”

“Well, it’s all caught up with you. You told me that you wanted to use this experience to become a better person. Were you lying when you said that?”

“No, I wasn’t lying. I do want to be better.”


“Like, if all this bullshit went away, that would be better. Much fucking better, honestly.”

“Right. Harvey?”


“Your hand’s on my tit again.”

“Sorry! Sorry about that. Just muscle memory at this point.”

“Try to keep it under control.”

“Great yabbos, by the way. Top-notch set of boobies.”


“What? It was a compliment. See, this is the problem: everyone’s so over-sensitive nowadays.”

“No. It’s not about that at all. I’m your colleague, Harvey.  We are in a business meeting. There are other people present. Like Ben Affleck.”

“Harv, you’re still my guy.”

“Love you, Flecky.”

“When this shit blows over, we hit Monaco?”

“That’s a date. You’re in the calendar.”

“Sweet. See ya later. Gotta go cheat on my wife.”

“Fuck her in the ass for me, Flecky!”

“You know it, Harv!”


“Why was he even here?”

“Lisa, let’s get back to the lessons. I have some questions.”


“What if I’m meeting with an actress and my robe accidentally falls open?”

“You should not be wearing a robe in a meeting.”

“Oh, I should just show up naked?”

“Clothes, Harvey. You must wear clothes in business meetings.”

“What if I’m taking a shower?”

“Why would you be taking a shower?”

“I’m a dirty boy.”

“No showers, either. Harvey, the main thrust of what I’m trying to teach you is about consent. No means no.”

“Really? I always thought ‘no’ meant ‘the negotiations have now begun’ or ‘please masturbate into a plant at me.'”

“It doesn’t.”

“I’ll be damned.”

“You will be. Harvey?”

“Is my hand on your tit again?”

“It is.”

“Did you ever consider acting?”

“I quit.”