Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Can YOU Pass The Civics Test?

Okay, Enthusiasts, here’s a little bit of patriotic fun: the official practice test for the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services. Inspired by the Feeble-minded Fuck’s altogether incorrect and terrifyingly naive view of the Civil War, I looked up the test and took it. I got 100%, but I am not bragging: it’s easy enough so you should feel a tiny bit ashamed if you don’t get 100%.

(Two points: 1, I almost got one wrong because I always forget whether Washington is on top of Oregon, and vice versa; and 2, every time I brush up against the realities of immigration, I thank God I’m not doing it. There’s homework involved.)

Go take the test; it’s a hoot. If you don’t have the time, or would rather not connect to a government website in case Obama starts wiretapping you, then here’s a few of the questions from the practice exam:

Which is the worst state?

  1. Texas.
  2. Florida.
  3. New Jersey.
  4. Utah.

What sport is known as “the national pastime”?

  1. Abortion.
  2. Baseball.
  3. Burning witches.
  4. Cheese-rolling.

Name one (1) war that occurred in the 20th Century.

  1. The Hecubaean Conflict.
  2. The Cola Wars.
  3. The War of 1812.
  4. World War II.

Does the president have the authority to do anything about the libel laws?

  1. What?
  2. Obviously not.
  3. Fuck, no.
  4. Children in grade school know that he does not.

Complete this phrase: “Go west, young _____.”

  1. Motherfucker.
  2. Skywalker.
  3. Man.
  4. Foo, Julie Newmar.

Sure you want to be a citizen right at this moment? Maybe you wanna wait a couple years?

  1. Homeland is on fire.
  2. Everyone is dead.
  3. Already been living here for two decades and started a family.
  4. I am a terrorist (secretly).

Why are America’s colors red, white, and blue?

  1. Huh, good question.
  2. Freedom?
  3. Saved a couple bucks repurposing the old British flags.
  4. God said so.

Which one (1) of the following phrases appear in the Declaration of Independence?

  1. “Choke me, daddy.”
  2. “We hold these truths to be self-evident.”
  3. “Dwayne Hoover will not be undersold.”
  4. “No one could imagine that a log flume could be so deadly.”

Which of these was a feature of World War I?

  1. Trench warfare.
  2. Draculas fuckin’ everywhere, man.
  3. Spontaneous reification.
  4. Weaponized quicksand.

What does the president keep in his cabinet?

  1. The White House china.
  2. The vice-president.
  3. Sex midgets.
  4. There isn’t an actual “cabinet;” it’s a term for his team of advisors (although the president may or may not own an actual cabinet).

What is the highest court in the land?

  1. People’s.
  2. Judge Judy.
  3. Black Twitter.
  4. Supreme.

Thoughts on Cornell?

  1. Overrated.
  2. Properly-rated.
  3. Underrated.
  4. Great hotel management program.

How many senators are there?

  1. Depends who’s asking.
  2. Including the Ottawa Senators?
  3. 100.
  4. None that I am beholden to, as I am a Sovereign Citizen.

Would you rather fight 1 president-sized congressman, or 100 congressman-sized presidents?

  1. I’m sorry, is this a real question?
  2. Battle of the Bulge.
  3. 1861-65.
  4. Two tablespoons of chicken fat.


  1. I missed the number of Constitutional amendments, feel dumb now.

  2. You need a helpful mnemonic on that Pacific Northwest Confusion . . .

    Washington = Way Up There

    Oregon = Onder It

    Also . . . Idaho starts with I and Nazi ends with I. Just so you don’t mess up and overnight east of the border.

    And Montana has montans.

    Geometry is easy!

  3. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    May 2, 2017 at 10:13 am

    I passed the Accord test.

  4. Luther Von Baconson

    May 2, 2017 at 4:11 pm

    i got bogged down on the pork bellies and burley futures questions

  5. I thought the ERA was going to be 23rd amendment, and therefore we were still at 22.

    Don’t know why I thought that, but that was what I thought.

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