Okay, Enthusiasts, here’s a little bit of patriotic fun: the official practice test for the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services. Inspired by the Feeble-minded Fuck’s altogether incorrect and terrifyingly naive view of the Civil War, I looked up the test and took it. I got 100%, but I am not bragging: it’s easy enough so you should feel a tiny bit ashamed if you don’t get 100%.
(Two points: 1, I almost got one wrong because I always forget whether Washington is on top of Oregon, and vice versa; and 2, every time I brush up against the realities of immigration, I thank God I’m not doing it. There’s homework involved.)
Go take the test; it’s a hoot. If you don’t have the time, or would rather not connect to a government website in case Obama starts wiretapping you, then here’s a few of the questions from the practice exam:
Which is the worst state?
- New Jersey.
What sport is known as “the national pastime”?
- Burning witches.
Name one (1) war that occurred in the 20th Century.
- The Hecubaean Conflict.
- The Cola Wars.
- The War of 1812.
- World War II.
Does the president have the authority to do anything about the libel laws?
- Obviously not.
- Fuck, no.
- Children in grade school know that he does not.
Complete this phrase: “Go west, young _____.”
- Foo, Julie Newmar.
Sure you want to be a citizen right at this moment? Maybe you wanna wait a couple years?
- Homeland is on fire.
- Everyone is dead.
- Already been living here for two decades and started a family.
- I am a terrorist (secretly).
Why are America’s colors red, white, and blue?
- Huh, good question.
- Saved a couple bucks repurposing the old British flags.
- God said so.
Which one (1) of the following phrases appear in the Declaration of Independence?
- “Choke me, daddy.”
- “We hold these truths to be self-evident.”
- “Dwayne Hoover will not be undersold.”
- “No one could imagine that a log flume could be so deadly.”
Which of these was a feature of World War I?
- Trench warfare.
- Draculas fuckin’ everywhere, man.
- Spontaneous reification.
- Weaponized quicksand.
What does the president keep in his cabinet?
- The White House china.
- The vice-president.
- Sex midgets.
- There isn’t an actual “cabinet;” it’s a term for his team of advisors (although the president may or may not own an actual cabinet).
What is the highest court in the land?
- Judge Judy.
- Black Twitter.
Thoughts on Cornell?
- Great hotel management program.
How many senators are there?
- Depends who’s asking.
- Including the Ottawa Senators?
- None that I am beholden to, as I am a Sovereign Citizen.
Would you rather fight 1 president-sized congressman, or 100 congressman-sized presidents?
- I’m sorry, is this a real question?
- Battle of the Bulge.
- Two tablespoons of chicken fat.