So. There’s this.
Stubhub only tells part of the story; many places on the interweb allow for a barter economy and in the past 24 hours, these are some of the items offered for Santa Clara Dead tickets:
- Gram of ridiculously high quality cannabis.
- Eighth of icky that is sticky, to be sure, but not as sticky as possible.
- Ounce of the stanky skank.
- Box of Newport 100 cigarettes with three cigs and some flakka in it.
- Half-pound of lox. (Lox is obscenely expensive.)
- Tank of gas, if you negotiate and have a small car.
- Tugger, calloused hand and you don’t get to choose the gender or age of whose doing the tugging.
- Tugger, you get to choose the gender but the hand is prosthetic.
- Tugger with a smooth, lubed-up hand but it’s Hitler.
- (If you would like to name your punk band Nazi Handjob, you may. In fact: please do.)
- Tank of propane.
- …
- You said “and propane accessories,” didn’t you? Predictable.
- A ride to, but not across, the border.
- Entry to a mid-level water park. (Tuesdays-Thursdays only.)
- A night’s worth of shitty beer at a dive bar.
- A round’s worth of Heineken at a drinking establishment fit for women and children.
- Half-a-glass of ultra-bitter bullshit at a place full of bearded pedants who want to lecture you about whatever the fuck a “bock” is.
- 870 trillion Zimdollars.
- Five minutes in the koala pit.
- This is a trick. Never go in the koala pit, because koalas are too dumb to know how to be nice and will slice you with their claws, and getting mauled by a koala is like being molested by Spider-Man. There is more than one trust being broken.
- Plus, don’t koalas have AIDS? I read that somewhere.
- So, they’ll let you in the koala pit for a cool Jackson, but then the koalas attack you and they charge you, like, a few thousand to get out, plus you now have KAIDS, which will be very expensive.
- It’s a money-loser from start to finish.
- You can bowl free, but not if it’s a league night, and only at a real bowling alley where veterans are smoking at the bar and the soda machine drops a paper cup onto the grate and then shpritzes out your drink and the Shine-O-Ball-O and the ancient plaques for 300 bowlers and the grilled cheese sandwiches on paper plates.
- You can’t bowl free at Peter Shapiro’s joint, is what I’m saying.
- Haircut, white guy. (I legitimately cannot and will not speak for anyone else on this one.)
- Personal call from Lou Ferrigno.
- Three sets of guitar strings, Ernie Ball slinky.
- Fuck it: super-slinky.
Chlamydia, not AIDS, I believe.
All the confederate flags in South Carolina
Uh…
http://i.imgur.com/kLGYPP5.png
Complete collection of Matlock season one on Betamax cassettes. C’mon spencer, cough up those tix. hahaha.
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-c6RICeUITpg/ToFISzbzh3I/AAAAAAAAFEU/tac_0NG7BrM/s1600/matlocksmllr.jpg
Opps, not that one. Traci Matlock. You’ll still enjoy it. #NotSorry
http://www.chainmail.com/diary/texas01/week3/fi/00000008.jpg
Deal, i love me some matlock
Ok great. And don’t worry, Kate won’t miss her ticket. She’ll be relieved that she doesn’t have to go sit in 105 degree heat in the blistering hot sun, just to hear some aging acid heads banging on guitars. 🙂
Haha, that’s awesome
Can I trade super hugs for tickets? Anybody?
Nazi Handjob sounds like a punk band to me? Or perhaps acid jazz?