Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Celebrities Getting Poked With Sticks

So, Keith Moon drives his Lincoln Continental into a Holiday Inn swimming pool. Or his Bentley into an irrigation ditch out on the heath in the hedgerows that held off the Germans during the WARS! my God, the WARS! We’ve had no purpose whatsoever after the last one, and now we just make that Top Gear  program and the Queen, who is actually an Australian homosexual in a dress.

Are you trying to say that, whatever country Keith Moon was in, he crashed the most expensive car they had into a body of water notable for its shocking ease of avoidance?

Yes, but the point is: imagine a rock star doing that today. That corpsefucker Dr. Drew would be there in seconds. Video from the scene, from three or four different angles, all taken on iPhones held vertically. Gawker.com would have an opinion; Slate.com would have the opposite opinion. You wouldn’t be a heroically wasted Rock God, you’d be Steven Adler shooting up in the bathroom of VH1’s Sober House. Sober House was an actual television program on a major cable station in which semi-famous drug addicts were poked with (metaphorical) sticks. (Although, now that I mention it, Celebrities Getting Poked with Sticks! could be my ticket out of this interweb hell hole.) Also, ex-drummer, now current speech therapy appointment-misser, Steven Adler shot up in the bathroom of the Sober House where Sober House took place. It turned out to have been a tactical error. It also turns out to be the moment that you, as viewer, stop rooting for America to pull out of her tailspin.

The dickpunching, the teenagers, the drugs, the bar fights: not these days. We’re respectable these days.

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