- This is some good paper the ballot’s printed on, thick: you could write a thank-you note to the fanciest person in the world with this paper stock.
- Being Florida, the ballot’s in English and Spanish (I’m sure they do this in other states, too) and every time I see Spanish written down, I think what a good idea the upside-down question marks at the beginning of a sentence are; in English, you don’t know what kind of sentence you’re reading until the end, but Spanish warns you up front about the content.
- Something I am proud of myself for: never having heard of any of the judges up for election, I looked them up on the Google and voted for the guy all the major papers endorsed.
- Something I am not proud of: I voted for several people solely because I thought their names were funny, or because they shared their last name with an ex-girlfriend.
- An incomplete listing of the funny names on the 2016 Florida ballot: Rocky De La Fuente, which sounds like a character in a screenplay set in Mexico by a white guy who has never been there; Basil E. Dalack, which is an anagram for Labia Lacks Ed; and Taniel Shant, whose body was found washed up on a beach in Australia under very mysterious circumstances.
- (Foreign Enthusiasts may think I buried the lede two bullet points back: we elect judges in America. You’re probably thinking that’s a terrible idea, but you’re thinking it in a silly accent. Regardless of how ludicrous all of you sound: you’re right; it’s a terrible idea.)
- At this point, it behooves one to mention that Hillary Clinton is going to be the first woman to hold the Oval Office, and that’s a big fucking deal, as Joe Biden would say; he’d be correct, but once again: men have ruined everything for women.
- Women can’t have anything nice, can they?
- Speaking of women, I will not be voting for Marco Rubio.
- That was sexist.
- But true: he’s smooth and feminine, and has wide hips that a baby could slide right out of.
- A lazy, thirsty, prematurely balding, free-spending baby.
And, Enthusiasts, there is the state constitution to think about: it may be amended in Florida by a 60% super-majority, and there are four questions before the electorate.
Number 1 – Article X, Section 29
This amendment establishes a right under Florida’s constitution for consumers to own or lease solar equipment installed on their property to generate electricity for their own use. State and local governments shall retain their abilities to protect consumer rights and public health, safety and welfare, and to ensure that consumers who do not choose to install solar are not required to subsidize the costs of backup power and electric grid access to those who do.
Which sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Straightforward, right? Any lawyers out there? See it yet? Four words.
“…for their own use.”
Fillmore South votes NO on 1.
Number 2 – Article X, Section 29
Allows medical use of marijuana for individuals with debilitating medical conditions as determined by a licensed Florida physician. Allows caregivers to assist patients’ medical use of marijuana. The Department of Health shall register and regulate centers that produce and distribute marijuana for medical purposes and shall issue identification cards to patients and caregivers. Applies only to Florida law. Does not immunize violations of federal law or any non-medical use, possession or production of marijuana.
Obviously, Fillmore South votes YES on 2.
Number 3 – Article VII, Section 6
Proposing an amendment to the State Constitution to authorize a first responder, who is totally and permanently disabled as a result of injuries sustained in the line of duty, to receive relief from ad valorem taxes assessed on homestead property, if authorized by general law. If approved by voters, the amendment takes effect January 1, 2017.
What am I, a monster? Fillmore South votes YES on 3.
Number 5* – Article VII, Section 6
Proposing an amendment to the State Constitution to revise the homestead tax exemption that may be granted by counties or municipalities for property with just value less than $250,000 owned by certain senior, low-income, long-term residents to specify that just value is determined in the first tax year the owner applies and is eligible for the exemption. The amendment takes effect January 1, 2017, and applies retroactively to exemptions granted before January 1, 2017.
I was told in no uncertain terms by several of my relatives how to vote. TotD is a good boy, and so therefore Fillmore South votes YES on 5.
*There’s no 4 because it was eaten by an alligator on bath salts.