Brochella Board shorts, flip-flops, craft beer, and an expunged juvenile record? Then amble down to Brochella and see the Dave Matthews Band. Dude? So many sluts.
Nohchella This festival has been taking place in the shadow of Mt. Fuji for so long that its origins are lost to time, but in the 70’s, they started booking rock bands. Bring your stylized facial expressions and your Instagram followers! Vanessa Hudgens will be attending.
Frochella Lineup is Prince, Questlove, Art Garfunkel, and Hologram Billy Preston. (Do not make Hologram Billy Preston.) There will be readings from Malcolm Gladwell and an all-afro bluegrass jam entitled Hairpickin’ and Grinnin’.
Gochella Cancelled after being beaten by an artificially intelligent festival.
G.L.O.W.chella Remember the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling? Well, they’re all in their fifties and sixties now–the ones that are still alive–and not doing so well. Some of them have had hard lives. Quite a bit of pill abuse. But if you’d like to spend some time with them, then you may. The Killers are scheduled to perform.
Sochella Sochella is just so so. Not so-so. So so. It used to be very, but now it’s so. So much so. If you can’t understand me, you’re old. Vanessa Hudgens will be attending.
Boachella Snakes everywhere, man.
Hochella Hos all up in this piece.
Moechella The guy from LCD Soundsystem pokes his bandmates in the eyes, assuming that LCD Soundsystem is an actual band instead of just a fat guy with a laptop.
Snowchella This three-day gathering held in a field outside of Calgary in February killed over a hundred people last winter, including Vanessa Hudgens.