Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Cohen, Alone


“If any of my social media followers are watching this, please help me. Send for help. I don’t know who you’d call, but someone needs to be called. Please, my name is Andy Cohen and I’m famous. Please tell the authorities that a famous person needs help, so they’ll come quickly. Please, social media followers: alert first responders. I’m in Montana and John Mayer has been taken hostage by 1993, whatever the hell that means. Please call for help and also don’t leave any Harambe jokes in the comments. It’s enough.”




“Who are you?”

Thoughts on the Dead. Big fan.

“I don’t understand this.”

Are you familiar with the concept of semi-fictionality?

“Honestly? The next person that says that to me is getting stabbed.”


“I have no idea where John is, and I’m lost in the woods in Montana dressed in a flag. I just had a really deep conversation with a sound system, and also there are dinosaurs.”

Jurassic Park came out in ’93.

“Oh, well that makes it okay.”

Are they raptors?

“Yes. OJ’s riding one into battle.”


“Oh, did I say ‘battle?’ I meant ‘diner.’ OJ Simpson rode a velociraptor into a diner in Bozeman, Montana.”

How did it go?

“How you’d expect.”


“So many dead waiters.”

Why are you wearing a flag, anyway?

“Why aren’t you wearing a flag, Commie?”

Huh. I’ve never done this to a television personality before.



“I don’t have my cell phone. I lost it running from the dinosaurs.”

Look again.


“Oh, there it is.”

Right. Pick up the phone.

“Maybe it’s John.”


“Could be help.”

Could be.

“It’s not either of those things, is it? It’s going to be stupid, right?”


Pick up the phone, Andyman.

“Don’t call me that.”

“Life’s fine and dandy when you chat with Andy.”

“Please hold for the president.”

“Oh, thank God! Mr. President! Thank you for helping me!”

“That’s Madam President.”

“What now?”

katy perry human flag

“And I was calling to yell at you for biting me style. Don’t bite me, Andy.”

“Katy? Why are you calling yourself the president?”

“Because I am the president, Andy. I have the nuclear football.”

“With you?”

“it’s around here somewhere. I’m the president now, Andy. Remember when John’s house in Los Angeles blew up?”

“Is that why we had to come to Montana?”

“Well, you didn’t have to go to Montana, but you had to leave in the house. I blew it up, Andy. With missiles. I killed Donald Trump and OJ Simpson from 1993.”

“Yeah, you didn’t. They’re here in Montana riding dinosaurs and being terrible and yelling about a Time War. And I think they have a plan to blow up the World Trade Center for the first time for the second time.”

“That sounds like the kind of plan you’d see in a Time War.”

“Sure. Katy?”

“Miss America.”

“Uh-huh. How did you become president?”

“Remember the Democratic National Convention? I performed, and wore several outfits?”

“Great outfits.”

“Right, well: there was some sort of procedural vote. Several people tried to explain it to me, so I fired them. Something about hyper-delegates. Also, there’s an Electoral Dental College, Andy.”

“No, there isn’t.”

“Yes, Andy. They made me the president, and gave me the nuclear football, which I could have sworn I left right here.”


“Gimme a sec. If I were a nuclear football, where would I be?”


“Doctor Gary had it, and then I don’t remember the next few hours, and now I need it because I have to nuke Montana. Tuesdays!”

“Plus I had half-a-sleeve of Ritz crackers in nuclear football, and I want some.”

“Can you send someone, please? Or fix this? There shouldn’t be dinosaurs and temporally-displaced assholes wandering around Montana.”

“I told you I was going to nuke you, Andy.”

“Yeah, I was hoping I misheard you.”

“Gotta use nukes in a Time War, Andy. If you want to shut the Chronogate, you have to wobble gravitational waves. Takes a big boom.”

“Katy, John’s here somewhere. I don’t know where.”

“Was he kidnapped by 1993?”

“Yes, whatever that means.”

“Okay. Stay where you are, Andy. Whatever happens, I will find you!”


“Or drop a nuke on you.”

“Not as great.”




“Please hold for me, Katy Perry, who is the president.”

“Katy! Thank God! I’ve been kidnapped by 1993!”

“What does that mean, John?”

“I’m being held hostage by one of 1993’s greatest villains! A misguided, attention-seeking monster whose idiotic shenanigans have led to hundreds, if not thousands, of deaths!”

“Who, John, who?”

“Jenny McCarthy.”

“Wasn’t she the Playmate of the Year in ’93?”

“Was she? Wow. Interesting fact.”


“Yes, Katy?”

jm surgicl gloves

“What are you doing?”

“She’s forcing me to do stuff to her, Katy.”

“I’m dropping a nuke on you, John.”

“I’m a hostage!”

“You’re gonna be a cinder.”

1 Comment

  1. Luther Von Baconson

    August 24, 2016 at 11:38 am

    the shoes are the key

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