Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Cold, Sweat

You look terrible.

“It’s fucking tough being a genius.”

Tell me about it.

“It’s that third set. Billy Eckstine taught me about that. You probably don’t even know who the fuck Billy Eckstine was, you uncultured fucking cracker. Goddamn, I’m tired of explaining shit to white people. Africans built the fucking pyramids while you dummies was getting eaten by bears and shit.”

I’m Jewish. We built the pyramids.

“The historicity of that claim is dubious at fucking best.”


“Billy Eckstine was clean, man. Motherfucker got his socks tailored. He was a pretty man, and all the black bitches loved him. The white bitches, too. When we’d go to Los Angeles, there would be Oriental bitches, and they would love him. We called him B. Taught me how to get the right dimple in my tie, how to sniff cocaine, proper way to slap a bitch. Motherfucker taught me everything.”

You were talking about a third set?

“Motherfucker, don’t do so much. Just lay the fuck back while I’m telling a story. No one’s reading this shit for you.”


“Truth fucking hurts. So, B used to talk about playing the third set. Go to the club at night and play two there. Then, after that, there’s that third set. Maybe you fucking. Maybe you getting high. Maybe you getting high and fucking. Whatever. Third set. Can’t play three sets every fucking night. Ain’t no one got the constitution for that.”

That’s pretty good advice. Did you take it?

“Fuck, no. I’m Miles fucking Davis. I do seven, eight sets a night if I fucking want.”

Sure. Aren’t you worried about burning yourself out?

“Nah. I’m a physical man. I take my exercise. Do all sorts of shit. Ride my horses, swim, lift weights.”

Yeah, we’ve seen.

“Always like trying new exercise shit. I’m into that.”

“Have you ever considered taking up hockey, Mr. Davis?”

“Who the fuck is that?”

“Hi, Mr. Davis. I’m David Lemieux.”

“Goddamn, you a white motherfucker.”

“Hockey is some of the best cardiovascular exercise you can get. It would increase your wind.”

“This is some sort of fucking white person trick. I ain’t getting out on that ice.”

“It’s no trick, Mr. Davis.”

“You ever see a black man play hockey before?”

“When you are or when I am? Because in 2017, several of the game’s most talented players–”


“Oh, no! American gun violence!”


“Get the fuck back here and let me shoot you, motherfucker!”


“Mr. Davis, can’t we–”



“I’m sorry, Mr. Davis. I love your music. Wish I didn’t have to.”

“Have to what?”




Dave, I think you killed Miles Davis.

“David. And, no, I can see him breathing.”

Got him right in the forehead.

“Yeah, but I was aiming for his dick.”

I won’t tell.

“Nice of you.”


  1. this made me laugh and laugh, and i woke my husband:

  2. Luther Von Baconson

    November 9, 2017 at 11:35 am

    buddy’s doin’ it

  3. Luther Von Baconson

    November 9, 2017 at 4:06 pm

    miles has a walk-in safe in his master bedroom (office)?

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