Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Compromising Positions

Instead, Mr. Kelly, the White House chief of staff, resurrected the debate over Confederate monuments — previously fueled by his boss, President Trump, over the summer — and the Confederacy itself. He called Robert E. Lee “an honorable man who gave up his country to fight for his state,” said that “men and women of good faith on both sides made their stand where their conscience had them make their stand,” and argued that “the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War.”  – “John Kelly Pins Civil War on a ‘Lack of Ability to Compromise’” New York Times, 10/31/17

OVAL OFFICE, 1860 – DAY

“Mr. Lee, come in.”

“General.”

“What?”

“I prefer General Lee, Mr. President.”

“I’ll call you Bobby Ape-tits if I want, you schmendrick! I’m the goddamned president.”

“Schmendrick?”

“Shut the fuck up and listen to me: we’re making this deal. Right now, you and me, in this room today. We are going to make a deal. I won’t have a civil war during my term. You and me are gonna compromise, pal.”

“What’s your first offer?”

“Fuck you. You first.”

“Slavery is legal everywhere including the moon.”

“Why the moon?”

“In case we ever get there. I think you should be able to take your slaves to the moon.”

“But why would you need them?”

“Mr. President, I’d rather have my slaves and not need them, then need them and not have them.”

“Fine, whatever.”

“I open-carry my slaves, man. Gotta protect your rights.”

“Great. Counter-offer: no slavery.”

“At all?”

“Whatsoever.”

“No deal!”

“I amend my counter-offer.”

“I’m listening.”

“I’ll give you the moon. You can have slavery on the moon.”

“And the south.”

“But you don’t keep it in the south, do you? It keeps getting out of your yard and bothering the whole neighborhood. Slavery is a very bad dog, Mr. Lee. And, like a bad dog, it must be put down. And if you will not agree to my terms, sir, then I shall have to loose the armies of the north.”

“The armies of the north?”

PRESIDENT LINCOLN FARTING NOISE

“Very mature.”

“The armies are on the march, Lee!”

“Open a window.”

“Had a pot roast sandwich before you got here. They never stop at my stomach, just head right on down to the ol’ coattails.”

“It’s awful, sir.”

“Oh, yeah. I Dutch ovened Mary Todd once and she puked. Listen, Lee: we gotta work this out. Here’s my offer: no slavery.”

“Slavery.”

“No slavery.”

“Slavery.”

“Slavery.”

“No slaveryWAIT.”

“Ahh! You said it! It counts!”

“You tricked me!”

“Still counts. Slavery’s illegal now. You said it.”

“You are like a child, Mr. Lincoln. I have no idea where your reputation comes from.”

“Dude, me either, but people fucking love me.”

“Not where I’m from, they don’t.”

“Well, half the people where you’re from.”

“True.”

“Okay, here’s my pitch: slavery on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays; no slavery on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.”

“I think that might confuse the slaves, Mr. President.”

“They’ll pick it up. Everyone will complain at first, but after a month, no one will remember the old way. That’s human nature, General.”

“Yes, sir. So, on Tuesdays, my slaves would be…”

“Non-slaves. Free men and women.”

“Would they be able to vote?”

“Don’t worry, we’ll reschedule elections for Wednesdays.”

“Hmm. What about Sunday?”

“Sunday’s for Jesus.”

“Good for Him. What about the slaves? I need ’em on Sunday.”

“You make your slaves work on Sundays?”

“Well, I’m not going to cook my Sunday dinner, am I?”

“They don’t get any days off at all?”

“What about the word slave are you not understanding?”

“Okay, okay. Sundays are slavery. Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are for slavery; no slavery on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.”

“I don’t know if I could sell this to the Confederacy.”

“General, if you cannot, then nothing awaits us but the doom promised us by our tolerance of America’s original sin. Blood shall water the grass of Kentucky, the rocks of West Virginia, the swamps of Louisiana. Even your own beloved Virginia shall be blown away by the awesome wind of God’s breath. Can you hear it, Lee? Listen carefully.”

“Are you listening?”

“I don’t know what I’m listening for.”

OUR GREATEST PRESIDENT RIPPING ASS NOISE

“For fuck’s sake, Lincoln.”

“No, that was God. Can you smell God’s breath?”

“Holy shit, I think you’re rotting on the inside.”

“God’s breath smells like cold pot roast. What a coincidence.”

“The window! Dammit, man, the window!”

“Slavery on Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays; no slavery on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.”

“The window!”

“Shake on it, Bobby Ape-tits!”

“Fine!”

OLD-TIMEY HANDSHAKING NOISE

“That’s why they call me the Great Compromiser.”

“The window!”

INT. CHILD’S BEDROOM, 2017 – NIGHT

BOOK CLOSING NOISE

“I love when you read to me, Gampa.”

“I love reading to you, Slugger. And now you know the story of the Civil Compromise.”

“It’s a good story.”

“And the moral is: compromise is always the best option. No matter what the subject is, you should always compromise.”

“I will, Gampa.”

“Now go to sleep and get your rest. Tomorrow’s Wednesday, and you know what that means.”

“We’re slaves.”

“Right. Good night, Slugger.”

“Night, Gampa.”

5 Comments

  1. Buchanan was president until March of 1861.
    Also, this civil war Kelly nonsense is an intentional distraction.

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      November 1, 2017 at 1:05 am

      I’m over the intentional distraction argument. They have no control of themselves in that building.

      Also: this takes place in an alternate reality where Lincoln was president a year early.

  2. Interesting Fact, the civil war created West Virginia.

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