Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Confessions Of A Picky Eater

TotD has never tasted the following foods:

  • Many nuts including but not limited to pistachios, almonds, those little fuckers, the ones with the racist name (there was a racistly-named nut, wasn’t there?), and sunflower seeds.
  • I have never eaten a peach. It is a lurid fruit: I find its feel sensual and the look of its innards are absolutely smutty. I’m no prude, but I don’t want my kids seeing that in the produce aisle.
  • Cherries. I have never eaten an actual cherry, yet when it comes to both Gatorade and Starburst, the cherry flavor is my favorite. Although, I think that flavor might better be called “red” than cherry.
  • Forget actually attempting to eat one, the very smell of hard-boiled eggs makes me gag.
  • Eggs, in general, are a no-mans-land for me: over easy, sunny side up, poached–seriously get the fuck out of here with your poaching bullshit–I’m not an egg man. One strict exception: scrambled, cooked til they’re almost burned, and plenty of bacon to reward myself for choking down these vile chicken abortions.)
  • If you put cheese on the eggs, I will vomit.
  • Fuck mushrooms. Once anything in your genus is poisonous, I consider it out-of-bounds. There are no poisonous cows.
  • When the revolution comes and goes, during the Dark Days when there was no America and highwaymen flocked to the interstate, and rations got a bit tight: I will eat peas. We are not at that point.
  • Ketchup on absolutely anything at all other than fries. If you put ketchup on your eggs or hot dogs, then–you know, I’m confounded and let down and a little sick, but if you put it on anything else, I think I’d just backhand slap you without warning. At summer camp, I once saw a kid dipping his pizza into ketchup; I murdered him.
  • I have no dog in the Pumpkin Spice War of 2014, as I have no idea what pumpkin tastes like. Quite frankly, until a sadly ;ate age, I did not know they could be eaten, thinking them some sort of “decorative fruit.”
  • And if we’re being completely honest, there’s a good shot that I thought it was a “decorative vegetable.” The difference always stymied me, like which way the “J” was supposed to face. Remembering that veggies are almost all green is good, but I have seen green pumpkins. I have seen all kinds of colored pumpkins, even ones in KISS makeup, so the once-easy heuristic becomes irrelevant.
  • I am not a fan of the exotic meats. Have we run out of cows? No? Then knock it off with the alligator.
  • I’d eat a panda, though they’re so useless in every way, I have to assume their meat is inedible.
  • A glass of milk. Milk may be placed on cereal, but if you just stand there and guzzle down a frothy glass of that viscous secretion, then I secretly never trust you again.


  1. My little sister, who has never exceeded 1/2 of my size, used to chase me around with toadstools because I was (and am) so disgusted by mushrooms. Feel you on several of these – hairy fruit is not food – but fuck mushrooms especially.

  2. The mushroom phobia is surprising. Are there really no varieties that you have made an exception for, for example during spring tour?

    • My approach, when absolutely necessary, was to stuff ’em inside a twinkie. In hindsight, that probably made things worse.

      • The trick is peach ice cream: chop ’em up and mix ’em in.

        And, sure: there are exceptions, but if there was a different way to get the psilocybin into myself, then I would prefer that to actually eating the coprophagic fungus.

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