Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Conspiracy Theories About Hillary Clinton That I Am Looking Forward To

  • Killed Harambe.
  • Body double.
  • Clone.
  • Evil clone.
  • One of those fucked-up mutant clones that always gets made because someone jostled the machine when it was working or something; you know: giant eyeball in the middle of her chest, brain on the outside, etc.
  • Clone of Hitler dressed in pantsuit and wig. (Obviously, you would leave the mustache on for comic effect.)
  • Evil clone of Hitler, etc. (Wait: Hitler’s evil clone would the opposite of Hitler, meaning he would be History’s Greatest Hero. Enthusiasts, we must evil clone Hitler.)
  • Lupus.
  • Muscular Dystrophy.
  • Attenuated dwarfism.
  • Chelsea’s real father is Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.
  • “James Carville” is not a real person, but a person-shaped collective of swamp-demons brought into this reality by Hillary’s foul magicks and (barely) controlled by a holding spell that requires thrice-yearly virgin sacrifice.
  • Personally selects Saudi Arabian homosexuals to be thrown from roofs, and the worst part is that she does it like Madeline Kahn in History of the World–YES yesyesyesyesyesyesYES! etc.–and it’s just creepy how much joy she takes from the event.
  • Whitewater. (Remember Whitewater? Ever think you’d be nostalgic for that penny-ante, backwood sweetheart’s deal of a scandal?)
  • Disguised as a stingray, Hillary Clinton murdered Steve Irwin.


  1. “attenuated dwarfism ” – winner winner! nite folks!

  2. Mean, Green, Devil Eating Machine

    September 13, 2016 at 10:28 am

    Russian agents expose Hillary to germs, Hillary gets too sick run, what’s his name vp dude running mate continues campaign, and, does not get elected. Putin and Trump dance joyous jig.

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