Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Contests In Which The Dead Beats Phish

  • Tennis (Singles, doubles, mixed doubles.)
  • (In this case, mixed doubles is a person and a keyboardist.)
  • Soloing for distance.
  • Soloing for accuracy.
  • Billiards.
  • Croquet.
  • Polo.
  • (Although, in all honesty: Billy is just going to knock Mike unconscious with a cue/mallet/horse and then the game’s over.)
  • Diving.
  • Water polo.
  • Marco Polo.
  • That thing with the greased-up watermelon.
  • (Let’s just say the Dead would beat The Phishes at all water-related activities; despite the band’s aquatic name, Trey sinks to the bottom instantly and Page is not a strong swimmer. Also, Fishman likes to pee in the pool, but he does it from the diving board, so he’s banned from a lot of places.)
  • The Dead are so much better than The Phishes at getting arrested that it’s embarrassing.
  • Jeff Chimenti was a Dead for, like, two months and got thrown in the jailhouse.
  • Whereas certain Phishes have not been arrested ever.
  • Of course it’s Page.
  • Duh.
  • Each group has a Benjy, so that’s a tie.
  • If the Dead and Phish were dropped in the wilderness with no supplies, none of them would last 24 hours, so that is also a tie.
  • The Dead has a handsome guy, but Mike cares about what he wears: aesthetic draw.
  • Mickey and Billy are two people; Fishman is only one people.
  • Mathematically, that is a win for the West Coast.
  • Trey has written a Broadway musical, but Phil once drunkenly wandered onstage during The King & I and got tackled by Yul Brynner.
  • I’m almost inclined to give that one to Phil.
  • If you ask them to line up alphabetically according to band name, the Dead would be first.
  • Finally–and this is something I do not personally agree with, but read on Twitter–this might be a conversation in an alternate reality:
  • “Fellow members of the Dead, what should we call our big summer festival? How about magnaball?”
  • “The fuck does that mean?”
  • “Speak English.”
  • “Kiss my magnaballs.”
  • “How about a name that sounds like a grown-up came up with it?”
  • “I got an idea: instead of playing in a field, why don’t we just play football stadiums and stay in the Ritz?”
  • And so on.


  1. Bonnie Lass of Fenario

    August 22, 2015 at 6:47 pm

    most female members

    their festival would be magnaboobs

  2. Easier to pee in a dress than board shorts?

  3. Bonnie Lass of Fenario

    August 22, 2015 at 6:50 pm

    Bands that Jane’s Addiction has covered.

  4. bands that lasted 50 years (sort of) then sold out soldier field?

  5. Drug abuse..

  6. Whenever I’m feeling like I’ve gotten way too into Phish for the Dead feels to come back, I remember that Phish wouldn’t exist without the Dead coming first. I can say positively that I love both of em equally. Phish gives me a better, younger energy and I like the way their songs sound. The Dead are a lot to take in sometimes, BUT: I love love love love love them.

  7. The Dead have monks and fireworks at their shows. The Phishes have ferris wheels and fireworks at their shows. Draw?

  8. Cops at shows..

    I think Phish wins this one, google phish news and you get a series of psychedelic busts for each show.

    Cowardly cops arresting unarmed friendly people.

    • Mike & Gloria Gonna Be My Name

      August 23, 2015 at 12:05 am

      Availability of back catalog on 8-track tape.
      Cigarettes consumed.
      Quaaludes consumed.
      Consumption, full stop.
      Number of theatrically released motion pictures featuring cartoons
      Ben & Jerry Ice cream Flavors
      If you thought it was a tie, you’ve obviously never tried Phil’s Pun-lectable Berry Crackle Smoosh.
      Brevity of hiatuses (Hiatuses? Hiati? Jesuses?)
      Length of coma.
      Testicles, most.
      Vocal stylings that least resemble Terry Cashman (It’s just me, isn’t it?)
      Songs about gambling, anyway.
      Positive relationships with members of famous outlaw motorcycle clubs, their partners, and children.
      Best Garcia.

      (The other flavor is Donna Jean Godchauxclate Chip, which is difficult to get and sadly no longer offered in CA or IL)

  9. I win bc I’ve seen am the Phishes live and TotD hasn’t SUCK IT GRAMPS

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