“Ass! How ya doing?”

Can’t complain. Where are you?

“Some shithole.”

Nicely done.

“Thought it was a good idea to get off the island for a while. People are pissed!”

No duh. You sent a false alarm to millions of people telling them they were going to be nuked.

“And I said ‘My bad.’ I don’t know what else people want from me.”

Maybe a better apology than “My bad.”

“Hey, whatever’ll get everyone off my nuts. I apologize for taking a shit in that elevator; I totally didn’t see the nuns.”

That’s not what you’re apologizing for.

“The naked hang-gliding?”

Why would you do that?

“My balls need to feel free.”

Well, no. Not that. Say you’re sorry for the Emergency Alert that scared the shit out of an entire state.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry everyone’s such a pussy.”

Nope.

“If anyone was offended, I–”

No.

“I came of age in the culture of the 60’s and 70’s, when it was okay to–”

Stop it.

“This political correctness is killing art, man.”

It is not. And what you did has nothing to do with political correctness. It wasn’t political, and you weren’t correct.

“Will it help if I promise not to appear in any more Woody Allen movies?”

Has he asked?

“No.”

Billy, take this seriously. I don’t know if you’ll be able to go home.

“Then I’ll stay here. Same weather, and these fuckers love me. Watch. Hey! Trump sucks!”

“YAAAAY!”

“Obama forever!”

“YAAAAY!”

“See? Black guys love me, man.”

You’re impossible.