Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Criminals, Ranked In Terms Of The Sexy

  1. Cat burglar.
  2. Art thief. (Thomas Crown variety.)
  3. International jewel thief.
  4. Domestic jewel thief.
  5. Second-story man.
  6. Backdoor man.
  7. Flim-flam man.
  8. Bunco artist.
  9. Shoplifter at a really, really nice store.
  10. Claim jumper.
  11. Animal-rights wackadoo that breaks into places and lets monkeys loose. (Completely righteous intentions, but they smell like monkey, and that brings their ranking way down.
  12. Art thief. (Eastern-European morons who rip paintings off walls and run out of the museum, then panic and burn the evidence.)
  13. Fake dentist.
  14. Poacher.
  15. Meth cook.
  16. Arsonist.
  17. Computer criminal of any sort.


  1. What about “Country Singer Who Beats His Wife To Death But Is Paroled Eight Years Later And Then Dies Between Sets At Oakland Auditorium”?

    I mean, hypothetically. Definitely above poacher, that’s for sure.

  2. Have you shaken the case of walrus you had caught earlier ?

    You seem better, hang in there, keep the mustache trimmed and stay away from seafood and you should be able to maintain human form.

  3. Speaking of “cooks”, interesting 10 min read on life and times of Bear Owsley as subject of Steely Dan’s “Kid Charlemagne”.

    • Sir Luther Von Baconson

      July 31, 2015 at 3:06 pm

      “There are no bells and whistles here. No animated GIF’s, flashing bars, dancing bears, etc…. Sorry about that, but I find them distracting. I didn’t want anything to interfere with your enjoyment of the art. Also, some people may be disappointed to find that there are few links to other pages from here. I only want to connect with places which I think relate to my trip, and I will only add more if I discover any”

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