Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Criminals, Ranked In Terms Of The Sexy

  1. Cat burglar.
  2. Art thief. (Thomas Crown variety.)
  3. International jewel thief.
  4. Domestic jewel thief.
  5. Second-story man.
  6. Backdoor man.
  7. Flim-flam man.
  8. Bunco artist.
  9. Shoplifter at a really, really nice store.
  10. Claim jumper.
  11. Animal-rights wackadoo that breaks into places and lets monkeys loose. (Completely righteous intentions, but they smell like monkey, and that brings their ranking way down.
  12. Art thief. (Eastern-European morons who rip paintings off walls and run out of the museum, then panic and burn the evidence.)
  13. Fake dentist.
  14. Poacher.
  15. Meth cook.
  16. Arsonist.
  17. Computer criminal of any sort.

23 Comments

  1. corry342

    What about “Country Singer Who Beats His Wife To Death But Is Paroled Eight Years Later And Then Dies Between Sets At Oakland Auditorium”?

    I mean, hypothetically. Definitely above poacher, that’s for sure.

    • thoughtsonthedead

      Ya gotta let Spade Cooley go, man.

      IT’S EATING YOU ALIVE!

      • RaggyRay

        Spade Cooley is my dad as fcuk!!, let kek……p.s Totd your old Grandpa .. Jk mags

      • maggiemay

        That made my freaking day o m f g

    • steveb2973

      How about “Soul Singer Who Gets Sentenced To Death For Shooting Three Drug Dealers But Gets Out After Only 36 Years To Start A Comeback”?

      That would be Rick Stevens, former lead singer for Tower of Power (there’s that Oakland connection again). His new band is pretty good and has a similar style, but I’m thinking maybe his time has passed.

    • Sir Luther Von Baconson

      poor Ella Mae…..i dug Hoffman Hayride, but Spade had some issues

      • spencer

        Apparently she had an affair with Roy Rogers…….no joke

      • Sir Luther Von Baconson

        really! i’d heard she wanted to join a Free Love Cult. Fountain of the World.

  2. tor_haxson

    Have you shaken the case of walrus you had caught earlier ?

    You seem better, hang in there, keep the mustache trimmed and stay away from seafood and you should be able to maintain human form.

  3. maggiemay

    18. TotD

  4. Boogaloo

    Probably the Zodiac Killer too

    https://img0.etsystatic.com/068/2/9720286/il_570xN.799998990_lq4q.jpg

  5. August West

    Speaking of “cooks”, interesting 10 min read on life and times of Bear Owsley as subject of Steely Dan’s “Kid Charlemagne”.
    http://sfist.com/2015/07/20/san_francisco_show_and_tell_steely.php

    • Sir Luther Von Baconson

      “There are no bells and whistles here. No animated GIF’s, flashing bars, dancing bears, etc…. Sorry about that, but I find them distracting. I didn’t want anything to interfere with your enjoyment of the art. Also, some people may be disappointed to find that there are few links to other pages from here. I only want to connect with places which I think relate to my trip, and I will only add more if I discover any”

      http://www.thebear.org/essays.html

      • August West

        Ha so that is Owsley’s website? Lots of interesting info there. Thanks.

      • Sir Luther Von Baconson

        because i am cheap, i wouldn’t buy it brand new. but i did hunker down in the bookstore over a series of winter nights reading this

        http://owsleyandme.com/

        “excuse me sir, but uh we’re having storytime in the children’s section shortly”

      • August West

        a book endorsed by Mountain Girl. Good enuff for me. 🙂

      • RationalExpressions

        But co-written by the disgusting Tom Davis; friend, meaning enabling drug dealer, to Garcia in the pre-coma days. TOTD hasn’t written about the whole Sirens of Titan bullshit yet, has he?

        • thoughtsonthedead

          Typical Hollywood runaround time and money wasting bullshit, I thought

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