Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Dammit, I Forgot The Rosicrucians

“Freeman, it’s a well-known fact that all of the Grateful Dead was in the CIA.”

“Texe, I know I keep asking, but are you positive that’s your name? Seems like a typo.”

“That’s what they want you to think.”

“Ah. Yes. I see it now.”

“Circles within circles, Freeman. Getting back to the Dead–”

“I followed them for years.”

“Is that right?”

“Well, my hair did. My ponytail gave Bobby’s ponytail a tugger in ’86.”

“Was it under some kind of mental control, possibly by HAARP technology?”

“No. Bobby’s ponytail asked. Said please, so my ponytail dipped its hand in the humus and got to work.”

“Great story.”

“My ponytail wrote and performed a one-ponytail show about it. Good reviews.”

“Getting back to the Dead: as I said, it is known that they were CIA members.”

“Aw, Texe, that ain’t the half of it: CIA, NSA, PBS. You know that show The Americans? About the Soviet spies in America With the girl who cut off her hair?”

“Keri Strug.”

“Yeah, her. Anyway: that show was based on the Godchauxes.”

“I did not know that, Freeman. The world holds so many mysteries; maybe that’s why it’s hollow.”

“Communist spies working directly under the KGB. They were raised in one of those secret Soviet town where everyone spoke English and trained to go undercover.

“This explains the lack of childhood photos of Keith.”

“Right. And it has been revealed on many internet sites and once in an actual book that Phil was an alien.”

“Still is.”

“Well, yeah.”

“Once and alien, always an alien.”

“Was he a lizard or a grey?”

“Neither. Cat Person from Felicidae IV, Throneworld to the Felis Empire.”

“Right. Also CIA, though.”

“Texe, to say Phil Lesh was a CIA agent and a bored, galaxy-hopping, shape-shifting alien is just scratching the surface. All the evidence points to Mr. Lesh being a high-ranking member of at least seven global conspiracies.”


“Obviously. Plus: the Philluminati.”

“How many people were in that, Freeman?”

“Just Phil. It was a very secret society.”

“Wow. What about the Knights Templar? How do they fit into this?”

“The entire band were Knights Templar, but they couldn’t be trusted with the swords.”

“I could see that. How much devil worship was there?”

“What you’d expect. Not too much. Not excessive.”

“Freeman, all our global masters like to leave clues out in public like they’re the Riddler.”

“I have noticed that about conspiracies, yeah.”

“How has the Dead advertised their affiliation with their various secret societies?”

“Texe, when you finally realize you’re living in a clockwork world managed by aliens, Jews, re-animated Hitler, and super-intelligences from eight trimensions over, you start to see signs everywhere.”

“I’ll bet.”

“The Dead advertise their occultism and connections to otherworldly power in many ways. For example, the Steal Your Face logo reveals their thrall to the Babylonian god of mischief Enki.”

“Thrall, Freeman?”

“Thrall, Texe. In return for their loyalty and Jerry Garcia’s finger, Enki granted them special abilities and watched over them and gave them lesser demons to use as the road crew.”

“How does the logo figure into it?”

“Enki thought it was cool.”

“Fascinating. Let’s get back to our original point: the CIA. How involved were the Grateful Dead and the CIA?”

“For six months in the 80’s, Bill Kreutzmann was the interim deputy-director of the CIA.”

“That high up?”

“That we know of, Texe.”


“Are you sure–”

“It’s my name, man.”

“–that’s your name? Okay, okay.”

“Leave it alone.”


(With thanks to the well-educated and dignified Chris Jennings for the video. His award-winning book can be purchased from the sidebar. Go do so.)

1 Comment

  1. Since Texe and Freeman don’t give the impression they are reputable sources, I delved into the innertubes and found corroboration on the highly respected peer reviewed academic site

    “The unchecked proliferation of LSD would have put us on a slippery slope toward world peace,” said embattled Army spokeswoman Capt. Anita Gunnster. “You can’t have a proper war when soldiers are dropping their rifles on the field of battle to go chase giant purple butterflies and paisley elephants blowing Louis Armstrong songs through their trunks.”

    The military’s declassification reveals that in 1969, not long before Woodstock, the Feds “offered” Garcia (known as Captain Trips to his “Deadhead” followers) a mandatory commission in the U.S. military as an Army Major and battlefield commander.

    CIA and Pentagon officials familiar with the disclosure were quick to point out that the rank of major would have been a promotion for Garcia, in both stature and grade, from his honorary and non-military rank of Captain. Not surprisingly, The Grateful Dead’s frontman rebuffed the military’s offer, and it is after that rejection that government actions become hazy regarding Garcia.

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