Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Darkness On The Edge Of Clown

Residents of a South Carolina town are on edge after being warned that people dressed as clowns were spotted trying to lure children into the woods.

“There [have] been several [conversations] and a lot of complaints to the office regarding a clown or a person dressed in clown clothing talking to children or trying to lure children into the woods,” read a letter sent by the property management company which owns the Fleetwood Manor apartments in Greenville. – Buzzfeed, 8/30/16

As a public service to the children, TotD now presents What To Do If You Encounter A Clown Trying To Lure You Into The Woods:

Do not trust that clown, children.

Clowns luring kids into the woods are known liars.  They will promise you virtually anything, including that they will not eat your soul, but they will lie to you, mostly about not eating your soul. If the clown tells you he has lost his puppy, that is also a lie: clowns may not own puppies, as per the Patriot Act.

Check your six.

Think about it: you’re on the sidewalk, and in the woods across the street is a clown that just popped out of the shadows. That fucker–sorry, kids–has got your attention. There’s no better time for a second clown to come up behind you. Gotta keep your head on a swivel when you’re dealing with clowns.

Look around for a tiny car.

It’s full of clowns. Run.

Tell an adult.

Not just any adult, dimwit. Don’t tell the woman sleeping in the shampoo aisle at Walgreens; she cannot help you. Cop, fire fighter, someone like that. You’re looking for a uniform, basically. And before any of the clever kids start shouting, a clown does not wear a uniform. A clown wears a costume. And wants to lure you into the woods and eat your soul, whereas very few firemen want to do that.

Steal a gun and take matters into your own hands.

They’re never going to believe you. You’re just a kid from the wrong side of town. They’ll think you’re crazy, but you could put an end to it so quickly. You’re a good shot. Steal your dad’s gun and go kill that clown.

Use the clown’s blood as makeup and become him.

Now it’s your turn.

Your turn in the woods.


  1. obama commuted tim tyler’s sentence..

    finally freeing our people..

    thanks obama

  2. “regarding a clown or a person dressed in clown clothing”

    ^ an important distinction to bear in mind

    • Thoughts On The Dead

      August 30, 2016 at 10:43 pm

      I hold that there is no distinction: a person dressed in clown clothing is, de facto, a clown. Shall we impose a religious test for clownhood?

  3. Uhmmm……

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