Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Dead & Company: The FAQ

What fresh hell is this?

The Dead live!

Not really.

If you squint your eyes, maybe.

No.

Yeah, no.

I reiterate: what?

The choogly-type band once again refuses to become fully defunct. The spirit of the Dead and several surviving members who are not Mrs. Donna Jean have drafted some ringers and booked Madison Square Garden for Halloween.

The Core Four?

They’re down to the Thirsty Three, it seems.

Phil?

Phil. In his defense, he announced his Halloween gig months ago and it sold out immediately.

He could’ve cancelled!

Sure, but he can do math. 1,800 seats X expensive-as-fuck tickets — Billy = show.

Will Mike Gordon be replacing him?

No, Mike wants nothing to do with this train wreck.

So, who’s playing bass?

Oteil Burbridge.

Oh.

He played bass for the Allman Brothers!

So did 45 other guys.

True, but he was in one of Billy’s short-lived bar bands.

I repeat my statement.

It is what it is.

Well, I’m sure he’s a motherfucker. I’m just looking forward to seeing Trey and Bruce’s musical relationship flourish.

And where will you be seeing that?

What now?

They will not be there.

Why not?

Well, it turns out that when you remove the guiding hand of Phil, the rest of them get ideas. Mickey has already coined the word “Deadtronica“.

Oh, God, no. None of that ever for the rest of time. Never no.

Right.

Who’s at Garcia?

You’ll like this: tonight, your starting Garcia…from the University of TMZ: John “White Mayonnaise” Mayer!”

Go fuck yourself.

Seriously.

Is it–

No, it’s not a different John Mayer. The one you’re thinking of.

Are they just, like, giving everyone a turn at Garcia?

Again: it is what it is. Also: this started as an FAQ. Please ask questions.

Can there ever be another sunny day?

Jeff Chimenti’s going to be there.

Well, that’s something you can bank on.

Jeff Chimenti delivers.

He’s like a pair of cocaine-covered tits.

Impressively more than the sum of his already-awesome parts?

Yup.

Yeah, okay.

24 Comments

  1. The fact that Jeff Chimenti (dad) is going to be there makes it somewhat okay.

    But this is making me frustrated. I’m sad and angry and I fucking hate John Mayer. Isn’t this what the Dead kind of despised?

    This is going to turn a bunch of impressionable young women to a choogly-band which they were not meant to understand. I don’t care what anyone says. If you have to discover the Dead through John Mayer, then I feel bad. I’m sorry. I just can’t believe this fucking bullshit. I’m so upset. lol

  2. I, for one, would actually enjoy seeing that. At least it’s a recognition to the music we’ve all loved to the point of inanity.

  3. “Jeff Chimenti delivers. He’s like a pair of cocaine-covered tits.”
    As a musician I have always said you know you’ve made it when it’s cocaine across their naked breasts

  4. John Mayer doesn’t know the meaning of the word “psychedelic”. That’s the root of the problem, y’all.

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