Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Dead Dumb

The problem with Deadpool is that, as Guardians of the Galaxy and Super director James Gunn correctly notes, Hollywood is full of morons. No more or less than any other industry, but Hollywood makes the movies. (Excuse me: produces the content.) Therefore, its moronicity is more on display. We will see the fallout from Deadpool‘s success in around a year.

Deadpool didn’t succeed because it was dirty, or violent, or self-referential: it succeeded because it was true to the character. Deadpool is a homicidal pervert that realizes he’s fictional. A PG film starring the Merc with a Mouth would have failed, because it wouldn’t have been him up there on that 85-foot Ultra Screen®. Story, tone, style, structure: everything in fiction flows from character. Character informs choices, resulting in action.

Hollywood will not understand this. Hollywood is now churning out pitches for untapped comic franchises to “Deadpool up.”

Luckily, Enthusiasts, TotD has a spy in the William Morris mailroom. (Good kid named Slick Lee. You might know his dad.) I can bring you this exclusive sneak preview of Upcoming Comic Book Movies, Deadpool-Style:

Fantastic Four: Third Times The Charm This thrice-rebooted property goes hard R, as our beloved family of adventurers spends the running time of the movie making fun of Michael Chiklis, comparing dongs (stretchy vs. rocky), and murdering people. Sue Storm is a hooker with a heart of gold.

Thor: Tapping That Asgard It’s a fuck flick. Thor fucks for two hours; he fucks well and he fucks proudly. Women, men, gods, frost giants: Thor fucks ’em. Loki shows up and guess what? Thor fucks him. Both Jane Foster and Sif are now hookers with hearts of gold.

Aquaman Shows His Dick To Fish And every time he does, he and the comic relief exchange clearly-improvised quips about pop culture. Queen Hera is a damp hooker with a heart of gold.

Man-Thing: Giant-Sized Man-Thing Two hours of a swamp monster wandering around a Canadian city failing to pass for New York. Howard the Duck is not a hooker with a heart of gold. Stripper.

Maus: Concentrated And Campy Lot more Hitler jokes than you would expect. Art Speigelman is an award-winning artist and writer with a heart of gold.

1 Comment

  1. I misread Thor as Tor……………

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