The Dead are not sexy, neither collectively nor individually. In fact, the thought of them humping is enough to make you consider gouging your brain out of your skull with a broken wine bottle.

I can see Billy owning a lot of robes. He does not own any of the belts to these robes: he allows the breeze to do as it will. Billy owns oils,candles, uses the word ‘sensual’ a lot. His constant refrain in the bedroom is, “Just relax.”

Phil’s very picky about the young ladies he spends 3-6 minutes atop. Bobby, however, would go home with anyone who caught his attention and said, “Follow me, Bobby,” in a stern and commanding voice. Because through all these years, Bobby has secretly been a Chesapeake Bay Retriever. That’s something the liberal elites won’t print in their DeadBases, will they?

Brent could only be wooed by approaching him slowly with your eyes averted, making a double-grunt vocalization, and then sitting behind him to pick nits and lice out of his hair and beard. (Here’s another little known fact that Big Dead would rather you not hear: Brent Mydland provided a high, keening harmony line to his own orgasmic cries.)

Mickey was a spanker and enjoyed capturing hi sessions on audio tape. He spent half-a-million bucks in 1979 putting together a ballet based entirely on buttock-percussion. This project never saw the light of day after Mickey’s cousin stole the master tape’s, the band’s money and Bobby’s car keys.

Garcia liked his women to be on top. After that, he was giving and game, but let’s be honest: he did a lot of laying there.

Vince did exactly what he had paid for and nothing else because Vince Welnick Was Considerate To Hookers.