CELL PHONE NOISE

CELL PHONE NOISE

“Katy, what did you do to me?”

“Hi, John.”

“Katy.”

“You were running very late, John. You angered me, and as you know–”

“You’re an Egyptian god who owns the Luxor in Vegas.”

“–I’m an Egyptian…yeah, that. And I have powers, John. Mighty powers.”

“Undo this, Katy.”

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“You’re a deer person now, John.”

“This is not cool at all.”

“John, what’s the point of being an Egyptian god unless you can turn people into animal-monsters?”

“I am not a monster.”

“What happened when you went outside like this?”

“People with pitchforks chased me.”

“Yeah. Monster.”

“My solo album is coming out soon! I have a publicity push, and this is no good at all for my Instagram.”

“Your Instagram isn’t really a big deal, John.”

“I happen to have 1.6 million followers!”

“Hold on, I’m texting you something.”

CELL PHONE NOTIFICATION SOUND

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“You’re mean sometimes.”

“And sometimes you forget how much richer and more famous I am than you; that gets in the way of our relationship, which is that of soulmates.”

“We’re soulmates again?”

“Scene partners, soulmates, whatever.”

“Katy, un-deerify me, please.”

“I think you look beautiful, John. Graceful. Very deer goth.”

“Deer goth?”

“It’s the new thing. It replaced health goth.”

“I still have no idea what a health goth is.”

“No one did. It was the 2016 version of normcore. Young people enjoy lying to old reporters. But still: this is the thing that replaced it.”

“Hold on. I smell something weird.”

BANG

“Hunters!”

“Run, John!”

BANG

“Serpentine, John! Serpentine!”

DIAL TONE EVEN THOUGH PHONES DO NOT DO THAT ANY MORE