Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Do Not Use Babies As Weapons

DO NOT USE BABIES AS WEAPONS

It has come to our attention that people have been using babies as weapons: do not use babies as weapons.

Babies do not want to be weapons; they want to look at shapes and grow neck muscles. Babies not only mean no harm, but are incapable of meaning anything. When you leave a baby’s field of vision, you cease to exist in the baby’s universe. Object permanence is a cornerstone of the mental scaffolding needed to be an asshole on purpose. Babies aren’t assholes. They are babies. Do not use them as weapons.

Babies are poor weapons in almost every way. They lack the heft, balance, and ease of grip of a melee weapon; babies possess no natural edge, nor can they be sharpened; and, compared to an arrow or cannonball, lack any aerodynamic properties that would make them suitable as a ranged weapon.

There are many things in our world not intended as weaponry that can be used as such: bowling balls, bottles of high-test alcohol and rags, dental equipment. These things are hard, or sharp, or explodey. Babies are not any of these things, except explodey and only in the sense of making boom-booms.

Tactically, babies are terrible weapons, too. An armed man can carry hundreds of rounds of ammo, or dozens of arrows, or three or four Ginsu sets worth of knives; how many babies can you carry? Five? Six? Plus: they will give away your location. If you had chosen to use a gun like a normal person, then you would have been able to creep through the jungle undetected with a shitload of firepower strapped to you. Instead, you chose to use babies as weapons, so now Charlie has been laughing at you for the last two clicks because your three weaponized babies are screaming their heads off.

Sure, it seems like a fun way to spend an afternoon. And everyone loves babies, and weapons. But do not use babies as weapons.

DO NOT USE BABIES AS WEAPONS

63 Comments

  1. http://www.ntnews.com.au/news/centralian-advocate/mother-used-one-year-old-baby-as-weapon-in-alice-springs-street-fight/story-fnk4wgm8-1227272439724
    “It is understood the baby was grabbed by the ankles and swung at a man during the brawl on Smith St, Alice Springs, about 9.45am ­yesterday.”

    fucking metal as fuck

  2. Policeman: How did this man die.
    Killer: The baby hit him officer.
    Policeman: Ok thank you. (cuffs the baby)
    http://www.activeclub.com.ua/in/foto/10245.jpg

  3. Using boobies as a weapon still okay, though?

  4. Also, DO NOT USE BABIES AS DOODLE PADS.
    http://i.ytimg.com/vi/awNEEU9mKp4/0.jpg

  5. Maggie….you’ll be fine at phish there just like deadheads except they smell worse, are more likely to have a trust fund, be drunk, and the band they like has a bunch of children’s songs just like a circus!!! If need be find a couple in their thirties who are wearing dead shirts. Explain you are just a young head beginning your journey. We are everywhere including at the phishes.

  6. NOM NOM NOM WOOK WOOK WOOK.

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