Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Doctors Worse Than Doctor Luke

  • Doctor Doom.
  • Doctor Octopus.
  • Doctor Mengele.
  • Dr. No.
  • Doctor Evil.
  • Doctor who won’t tell you his last name because “what business is that of yours?”
  • Proctologist with a hangnail.
  • Gynecologist with a vagina phobia.
  • Gynecologist with a vagina fetish.
  • Every single PhD on the planet.
  • Doctor Frankenstein.
  • Doctor Funkenstein. (I’m speaking medically, of course. Dr. Funkenstein is the doc you want at your party, but if he walks into the operating room, you are going to die. He knows that your hip bone’s connected to your ankle bone–he gets so hung up on bones–but he is not the guy you want to do your appendectomy.)
  • Veterinarian with their own line of pet food.
  • Andrew Wakefield.
  • The guy who invented lobotomies and then drove around the country in his “lobotomy van” shoving icepicks up troublemaker’s noses. (Look it up.)
  • If you ask the doctor what to do, and he says “Ooh-ee, ooh-ah-ah, bing bang walla walla bing bang,” then you should see if your insurance plan includes anyone else in the area.
  • That asshole dentist who gave me a root canal and then wrote me a scrip for Motrin.
  • Homeopaths.
  • Osteopaths.
  • Chiropractors. (This one’s iffy, but I’m talking about the assholes with delusions of grandeur.)
  • Chiropodist. (EDIT: it turns out that a chiropodist is just a foreign foot doctor.)
  • If she has a barbecue sauce stain on her lab coat, than she is a worse doctor than Dr. Luke.
  • That guy who played keyboards for Prince.
  • Doctor Cuddy. (Sure, Dr. House actually did all the unethical bullshit, but she was supposed to be the grown-up.)
  • Dr. Acula.
  • There’s a guy who lives around me who drives a Beemer with a Stealie on it and vanity plates reading “DEADDOC” and, you know: I love the Dead, and have immense respect for doctors, but that guy isn’t touching me.
  • A urologist named Doctor Cocktor.
  • Hematologist who faints at the sight of blood.
  • Surgeon who faints at the sight of blood.
  • Surgeon who bones up at the sight of blood.
  • Gastroenterologist with a “RIDE OR DIE” tattoo on his neck.
  • Doctor Filth.
  • If your doctor is your best friend, but won’t even tell you what it is that you got, then that is a terrible doctor and not really a good friend.
  • Any of those Star Wars doctors that can’t deliver a baby without killing Natalie Portman.
  • Dr. Oz.
  • Dr. Phil.
  • Dr. Nick.
  • Actually: any physician who is not a pediatrician who goes by “Doctor+their first name” is not allowed anywhere near me or my family.
  • Doctor Shmoctor. (This has nothing to do with his/her skills: I just wouldn’t be able to take Doctor Shmoctor seriously.)

14 Comments

  1. Before anyone asks, no, Dr. Horrible actually isn’t as bad as Dr. Luke – he was only attacking Captain Hammer (who had it comin’) and the other spoilery thing happened by accident

  2. The Central Shaft

    March 9, 2016 at 8:35 pm

    Dr. Teeth (again, medically speaking only).

  3. I find this list inaccurate. While, yes, some of these are almost definitely worse than Doctor Luke, either in the general ethical sense or the lack of medical skills sense, I can’t imagine him being a better doctor, medically speaking, than many the doctors who were ruled out for their lack of medical skills, and at least if I’m being touched by one of those other non-evil, merely incompetent doctors, then I gave my consent first…

  4. The guy who insists on being called “Doctor” not because he’s a medical professional, but because he has a Ph.D. in History or English or something.

    This, of course, is me.

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