Thoughts On The Dead

Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

Donald Trump, Jr., And His Attorney Are Still Going Over His Story

“Now, Junior, I want you to walk me through what happened during the meeting with the Russian lawyer.”

“Should I put my shoes back on?”

“Forget I said ‘walk.’ Just tell me what happened.”

“Oh. Okay, so: Mr. Manafort was there and so was Fart-head.”

“Fart-head?”

“That’s what I call Jared, because it rhymes.”

“It doesn’t.”

“He SUCKS, dude! Always hanging around Dad and laughing at his jokes. Telling on me when I eat cheese.”

“Cheese?”

“I am really not supposed to eat cheese.”

“Okay, so Manafort, Kushner, and you are there. Who else?”

“The lawyer. And she was a lady! I thought that was odd, but I guess Russia is really progressive or something. Bunch of SJWs over there.”

“Junior.”

“Thinking too much causes women to stop menstruating. Watched a real long YouTube video about that.”

“Junior.”

“Maybe she had to be a lawyer because she wasn’t hot. Is that why you became a lawyer, Mr. Jenkins?”

INTERCOM TURNING-ON NOISE

“Has Mrs. Woods returned?”

“Nope! You’re on the phone with Rob Goldstone!”

“Fuck.”

“LOVE YOU, GOLDY!”

“BACK ATCHA DOUBLE, JUNEY!”

“Fuck.”

INTERCOM TURNING-OFF NOISE

“Are you crying, Mr. Jenkins?”

“Nope. Nope, just allergies.”

“What are you allergic to?”

“My existence. Now: who was in the room?”

“Me, the lady, Fart-head, Mr. Manafort, and Goldy.”

“Wow. Just like Yalta.”

“I’m not thirsty.”

“Not Fanta.”

“Do you like my business suit? I’m a businessman, so I wear them frequently.”

“I need you to focus, Junior. What happened in the meeting?”

“Well, we started off with the traditional giving of gifts.”

“The what?”

“Yeah, I had no idea, either. But apparently in Russia the custom is to give gifts at the beginning of a meeting. The lawyer gave us all these awesome cell phones. And, dude, you’ll never guess.”

“She was gonna pick up the bill.”

“Totally! How fucking nice is that!?”

“Soooo nice. Hey, uh, Junior?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you still have that phone?”

“It’s on the table in between us.”

“Uh-huh.”

PHONE-SMASHING NOISE

PHONE-SMASHING NOISE

PHONE-SMASHING NOISE

“Duuuuuude.”

“Continue, Junior.”

“I had all the apps where I wanted them.”

“What was said at the meeting?”

“Oh, okay. So, uh, the lady is like, ‘Blah blah bah,’ and Mr. Manafort goes, like, “Politics politics politics,’ but they were speaking in code or something. It sounded like alien-talk. Whoa. Dude?”

“No one is an alien, Junior.”

“Do you think…you sure?”

“Fairly. Is it possible they were speaking Russian?”

“A Russian is a person. How do you speak a person?”

“Russian is a language.”

“No, they just talk English with funny accents.”

“Junior, if you concentrate, I will give you a cookie.”

“Not hungry.”

“I will give you cocaine and an underling to yell at.”

“Fucking sweet.”

“Okay. What happened in the goddamned meeting?”

“So, Mr. Manafort and the lady and Goldy are talking in whatever language you say it was, and me and Fart-head were sitting there. And then: dude, do you remember how I told you I shouldn’t eat cheese?”

“Yeah.”

“I ate a whole brick of it and let the fuck loose on Jared! He really was a Fart-head!”

“Do you remember anything else?”

“I was laughing too hard for the rest of the meeting, honestly.”

“Of course you were.”

“Which means I’m good, right? If you weren’t paying attention while a crime is being committed, then you can’t be charged for it. That’s habeas corpus.”

INTERCOM TURNING-ON NOISE

“Mr. Goldstone?”

“WHAZZZZZZZUP?”

“WHAZZZZZZZUP?”

“WHAZZZZZZZUP?”

“WHAZZZZZZZUP?”

“Both of you shut the fuck up! Mr. Goldstone, please bring me some ibuprofen.”

“Nah, son. You need something stronger than that. Goldy’s got you covered.”

“Just the ibuprofen.”

“Gotcha.”

INTERCOM TURNING-OFF NOISE

“Now, Junior: is there anything–anything at all–more that you remember from the meeting?”

“Nah. I’m a black slave.”

“Black slate.”

“No, black slave. Because I don’t know anything.”

“Jesus God in heaven, I beseech you for mercy.”

“People always pray around me. Weird.”

“Nothing else you remember?”

“Oh, dude, why don’t I just send you the video?”

“The video? The fucking what?”

“The video. We taped everything. I’ll send it to you.”

“I smashed your phone.”

“Always keep a backup phone for hookers, bro.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Here ya go.”

EMAIL SENDING NOISE

“I’m not getting it.”

“Shit. I accidentally sent it to the New York Times.”

“Jesus.”

“CLASSIC FUCKIN’ JUNEY!”

“SO GLAD YOU WERE HERE FOR THAT, GOLDY!”

“So this is how democracy dies.”

2 Comments

  1. Everyone thinks Junior is Fredo Corleone. He’s not. He’s Chad Feldheimer.

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